‘Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones And Falling On Ice

Nothing is more magical than winter. How does ice happen? Where does it come from and why is it always so cold? This renewed sense of childlike wonder can only come from the change in seasons and has nothing to do with the fact that I retained no information from any science class.

I just love this time of year! Snow is falling, and I am too because I refuse to buy sensible winter footwear. The light dusting of white makes everything look so peaceful, so serene. Have you ever seen an adult woman’s mangled ankles and busted knees covered in freshly fallen snow? It’s like a Thomas Kinkade painting come-to-life.

Winter fashion is my absolute favorite. I’ve spent all summer, fall, and the previous twenty years of my life getting my body winter-ready, and I’m so excited to show off my physique under thirteen layers of clothing. I’m talking chunky knit sweaters, cute and cozy hats, large scarves I let become my entire personality, a coat I bought instead of making my student loan payment on time, socks so big I can’t make my boots fit, which is why I had to wear my Crocs and ate shit on the ice earlier. Nothing says “season’s greetings” like getting all bundled up to brace the weather, showing up at your destination drenched in a cold sweat, and resigning to having hair that is both frozen and sweaty at the same time for the rest of the day.

This weekend, while making a dent in my holiday shopping list, I was delighted to find stores already playing some of my favorite seasonal carols: “Do You Hear Bells Or Is That Just Me?”, “Lights, Lights, Lights But Who Will Pay My Electric Bill?”,“Snowy Snow Is So, So Snowy”, “Mommy Fucked Santa And Daddy Likey”, “Did Baby Jesus Ever Poop On Mary (While She Was Changing His Diaper)?”, “I Actually Love Scraping Ice Off My Car”, “My Mama Is Dying At Christmastime And All She Wants Is This Red Lobster Gift Card”, “Cash Is A Good And Fine Gift”, “Frozen Pigeon On The Ground”, and “Uptown Funk (But Bruno Mars Is Wearing A Santa Hat)”.

Did I mention I’ve already made a dent in my holiday shopping list? I literally just mentioned that? Cool, cool, just wanted to make sure you really heard me and had enough time to give me the appropriate applause. I have so many people to shop for this holiday season, showing my gratitude in gift-form. Yet I will buy myself more seasonal candles than any human needs and end up emailing everyone else an Amazon gift card. ‘Tis the season!

The holidays always give me a renewed sense of generosity. I even make eye contact with the bell ringers, going “sorry I only have a credit card” with a mouthful of gingerbread cookies I spent the last of my cash on. Oh and don’t even get me started on the food this time of year!

I’m such a sucker for seasonal treats. Candy canes that taste like chocolate. Chocolate shaped like Christmas wreaths. Pine cones I later find out are actually decor and not part of the appetizer spread. Why did you put them on the table if they weren’t meant to be eaten, Aunt Debbie?

Getting together with friends and family I don’t see throughout the year is really what this season is all about. When else do I get to gather around the dinner table with extended family, hear my uncle say something racist, sneak out of the house before my cousins’ kids remind me how disconnected I am from my youth, go to the one bar in my hometown, run into a former high school classmate and hear him say something super homophobic within the first few minutes of catching up? It’s so good to be reminded of where you come from!

Regardless of what you celebrate and why, I think this time of year gives us all a chance to pause our busy lives and remind us of what’s actually important in life: living far away from your hometown and cash, which really is a good and fine gift.