Stop Degrading My Stories with Your Smut: A Plea from a Former Mad Libs Writer

Dear Mad Libs Word Givers & Receivers,

 

At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been penciled into this children’s book was a reference to private body parts and/or their functional versatility. This is not an appropriate use of my work, and it must not continue.

 

Ever since I joined the Mad Libs writing staff in 1982, it has always been my mission to use my narrative gifts for educational purposes. I carefully crafted each story to demonstrate the difference between nouns, adjectives, and verbs ending in “ing.” While “flatulence” is a technically correct selection for a noun, it is not what I had in mind while I was developing a learning exercise. My academic credentials are in creative writing and linguistics, not gastroenterology. If that is your area of interest, I suggest that you seek out more relevant literature, and perhaps professional help.

 

Frankly, I’m not quite sure where all this confusion started. I always made it a point to include examples on each pack of my best-selling Mad Libs. I had hoped that these models would speak for themselves, but I am now coming to realize that additional guidance may be necessary. Let me walk you through the following example from one of my most beloved collections,  Holy Guacamole Mad Libs:

 

The	weird	man	walked	slowly	into	the	tiny	museum	of	Cheetos.
	adjective		verb (past tense)	adverb			adjective			plural noun

 

Now in reality,there is no such thing as a “tiny museum of Cheetos,” but only the Mad Libs Word Receiver knew that an impossibly ridiculous scenario was being created. The Word Giver, on the other hand, was not privy to any context until the story was completed and the absurd final product read aloud. Now can you see how gut-wrenchingly, side-splittingly hysterical this game can be without resorting to gratuitous vulgarity?

 

I want to be clear that this letter is intended notas a critique of adolescents, but rather a moral indictment of their parents. It goes without saying that many children, although not mine, have a particular affinity for gross things. However, it has come to my attention that some parents are enabling or worse, encouraging their off spring to use my Mad Libs as a conduit for their sinful thoughts. Take this sentence that was found in an otherwise wholesome copy of Flyin’ Flibberticricket Mad Libs:

 

 

 

The

booger

officer

peed

through

the

diarrhea

store

with

his

pukey

pee-pee.

noun

verb (past tense)

noun

adjective

noun

 

It doesn’t take a detective to conclude that this sentence was written in collaboration with an underage Word Giver, and I must ask the parent this question: Would you purchase a book with this title? If your answer is “no,” then why are you co-authoring this story with your child? Or maybe you would buy that book for your kid. You people have no shame. You sicken me.

 

On that note,there is no more egregious misuse of my timeless tales than for the purposes of pornography. Think I’m being unreasonable? Then maybe you’re one of the degenerates who vandalized Enchanting Easter Egg Mad Libs with this sentence that should never have been constructed in any language:

 

 

Coitus

is

a

holiday

where

people

decorate

wet

dildos

and

grind

them

in

the

nipple.

noun

adjective

plural noun

verb

location

 

Let’s get this straight: In my Mad Libs world, sex does not exist. All pleasure is to be derived exclusively from incongruous word choice. If you absolutely must be a slave to your primal urges, perhaps you should check out Cards Against Humanity. I don’t know much about that game other than it seems to embrace this pervasive cultural attitude that fornication is some sort of healthy recreational activity. Youperverts cango buy those vile cards for your den of iniquity, but I must insist in the strongest terms that “cornhole”no longer be used as a verb in Zoopa Goofa You! Mad Labs.

 

In closing, allow me to remind you of the Mad Libs mission statement. (It served as my North Star throughout my decades of service to this once noble institution.)

 

 

A	super	silly	way	to	fill	in	the	blanks!
		adjective

 

 

 

Notice that’s silly, not slutty. Just like filling in the blanks is a privilege, not a right. I will soon be releasing an approved list of words for each one of my acclaimed Mad Libs collections and I can assure you that neither “pus” nor “pussy” nor “puck fuck” will be on that list. And if these new guidelines are still not effective at curtailing this unprecedented scourge of depravity, you will leave me with no choice but to simply fill in the words myself for all future editions.

 

Sincerely,

 

Ed Green

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