Silence of the Notifications

INT. PRISON — DAY

CLARICE, a young FBI agent, approaches a cell where MARK ZUCKERBERG is being contained.

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CLARICE

Mr. Zuckerberg.

MARK

Clarice… how nice to see you again.

CLARICE

Sir, I keep thinking about the Buffalo Bella case. We know her real name because she can’t use an alias on your platform, sir.

MARK

You’re making progress, Clarice.

CLARICE

But we can only see the one profile picture. Her privacy settings are friends only.

MARK

Let’s forget about that for now. Tell me… what’s on your mind, Clarice?

CLARICE

Not this, sir.

MARK

What was your last place of employment? I have a guess, of course, but I need you to confirm it.

CLARICE

My boss told me I didn’t want Mark Zuckerberg in my head.

MARK

He should have known better than to test me. Do you know what I did to him? I fed his data to Russian hackers with fava beans and a nice Russian Chianti.

He slurps.

CLARICE

(sighs)

Before the FBI I worked at Starbucks. And one day… I just… ran away.

MARK

There is no “just” Clarice! Now tell me, is your phone number still 401-822-1345.

CLARICE

Please, Buffalo Bella is laying thirst traps on your platform designed to captivate innocent users. We need more information.

MARK

Quid pro quo, Clarice! That may have been your number once, but our shadow profile tells us you switched years ago.

CLARICE

It was my number at Starbucks. I spent all my time there. I was so young.

MARK

Very good. Now, Clarice, I’m going to hold up a picture of someone.

He holds up a picture of a drunk man at a party giving a hang ten sign with his hand.

MARK

Tell me. Do you want to tag James McSherry? We know it’s him Clarice…

CLARICE

No.

MARK

Clarice, please, you’re hurting my feelings. Now, you were involved with this man.

CLARICE

In a way…

MARK

You commented on each other’s statuses regularly for six weeks. You unfriended him on October 10th, then you blocked him on the 12th.

CLARICE

I couldn’t stop looking at his profile. I had to.

MARK

What was your relationship? If you had to declare it, what would you say? Was it complicated, Clarice?

CLARICE

Yes, it was complicated. We dated, but it ended when I left.

MARK

Because you left.

CLARICE

No! Please, Mr. Zuckerberg, tell me if Buffalo Bella liked the fan page for Smash Mouth!

MARK

Do you still hear them, Clarice? Do you still wake up and hear the notifications?

CLARICE

We don’t have time for this. People’s online platforms are at stake!

MARK

They were notifications for messages to James from another girl. She looked like you. Not enough to confuse my algorithm, but still. His type.

CLARICE

She said, “OMG isn’t ‘All Star’ a classic? How are we not best friends yet?”

MARK

With a smiley face.

CLARICE

The one with the tongue and the wink.

MARK

Oh Clarice, you are so frank. It must be quite something to know you online.

CLARICE

I won’t play games. We know you have her metadata. Please help us.

MARK

You know, maybe that’s all for today.

CLARICE

Please! No!

Guards enter to take Clarice.

CLARICE

My number is 929-455-4722!

MARK

Let her stay.

The guards chill out.

MARK

But Clarice, admit it. You don’t care about the victims of Buffalo Bella’s micro-influence. You just want to know more about her.

CLARICE

I do.

MARK

Because she’s the one who messaged James McSherry.

CLARICE

Yes.

MARK

You need me as much as I need you, Clarice.

CLARICE

I just wanted to know if they were officially dating or just… hanging out. If she went on that weekend trip to Napa with him and his old Eagle Scout friends. If she looks better than I do in a bikini. I need to know.

MARK

I can make it stop. All the notifications in your head. Just… do the line with me.

CLARICE

Do what line?

MARK

From the movie…

CLARICE

What—

MARK

Ask me what’s cooler than a million.

CLARICE

I’m NOT doing that!

Blackout.