Official List Of Other Things That You’re Prohibited From Doing In Alabama
Brushing your teeth (chewing mint-flavored nicotine gum is okay, within reason).
Dating outside of your gene pool (guys who work with your dad also okay).
Using a debit / credit card directly at the gas pump (what are you, a Commie? Go inside and say hello!).
Nodding a greeting towards someone who may be from outside of the country (they may interpret the gesture as hostile).
Exercise (a lap or two carrying a protest sign around the Planned Parenthood being the exception, of course).
Eating a vegetable that hasn’t been fried.
Watching The Bachelor with your wife.
Math
Purchasing necessary items from anywhere other than Wal-Mart (not counting meth, of course).
Using indoor bathroom (that’s your cousin’s bedroom, show some respect!).
Smiling (you need more teeth to do it properly, anyway).
Using condoms and / or birth control pills (these items will prevent you from becoming pregnant!! Did you know that?!).
Experiencing hope (very, very bad for you. Just stop it.).
Lending your thoughts and prayers to anyone other than Szorghath The All-Knowing (soon, He will walk among us! Scream His name and squirm as you feel your pulse quicken and your thick blood churn and boil from within!!).
Read (ugh. It’s just so boring).
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
