Dr. Frankenstein And The Terrifying Trailer For The Film Version Of Cats

“The ‘Cats’ movie trailer looks absolutely terrifying… The trailer for ‘Cats’ dropped Thursday — a day earlier than Universal Studios had announced — giving viewers a first glimpse at the film’s many A-list actors as freaky, human-feline hybrids.” — New York Post, 7/18/19

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It was a dark and stormy night, and evil was afoot in the lab of Dr. Victor Frankenstein.

 

Grinning with the intensity of a grade-A sociopath, Dr. Frankenstein stared down at the cold laboratory table beneath him. There was a misshapen lump lying upon the slab. And slowly, as the lump began to move beneath him… Dr. Frankenstein couldn’t help but cackle.

 

He had just created another monster.

 

And it was his most-terrifying monster ever.

 

Shuffling into the laboratory, Dr. Frankenstein’s assistant, Igor, stared down at his master’s unholy creation. And as the lightning bolts crackled their way through the night sky above, Igor forced himself to turn away, with a gasp of abject horror.

 

The monster was too terrifying for human comprehension.

 

 

After a lengthy pause that extended for seconds and centuries, Igor finally regained enough of his wits to think coherently. And, as he watched the lump on the table writhe helplessly, Igor whispered: “Frankenstein, what have you done? What have you brought into this world? And why, why does it sound like Jennifer Hudson?”

 

At that, Dr. Frankenstein, with the glint of madness in his eyes, calmly replied: “You don’t understand. I have created a new work of art, Igor. It’s a trailer for the film adaptation of the Broadway musical Cats, to be exact… And it will be my greatest creation ever.”

 

A clap of thunder roared overhead and the monster on the table began to moan.

 

It sounded a bit like the song “Memory” from the Broadway musical, Cats.

 

There was a lengthy pause as Igor collected his thoughts.

 

“Ok. I get that. And I respect your vision,” replied Igor, cautiously (because he wanted to support his friend’s project, but also felt obligated to offer a few constructive criticisms).

 

“But why do they look like that?” Igor finished, eyeing the monster before him with fearful trepidation (and wondering just how many studio execs were about to get fired for green lighting such a hideous, ill-thought-out abomination).

 

“Oh. You mean ‘why do all the characters look like real cats’?” replied Frankenstein, proudly.

 

“What? What are you talking about?” muttered Igor, bewildered.

 

They didn’t look like real cats.

 

Not in the slightest.

 

Frankenstein stared at his treacherous assistant and whispered “…what are you talking about?”

 

“They don’t look like real cats,” replied Igor, slowly. As if he was explaining it to a small child who had no idea what theater-going audiences wanted out of a movie. “I mean. It looks like The Polar Express meets Les Miserables. It looks like an all-feline remake of The Terminator where every actor is the title character. Except for the lips… their lips still look like human lips. It looks like human lips were glued onto animatronic cats. Like one of those ‘Annoying Orange’ videos. But in a Hollywood movie. I think that’s the most-terrifying part about all of this.”

 

Another thunderclap exploded overhead.

 

And the wail of “Memory” grew louder.

 

Trying to look for a silver lining, Igor forced himself to watch the trailer once again. But this time, instead of getting any answers, he just came up with more and more questions. Questions like: “why do the hands look like normal, people hands?” and “why are there no humans in this world? Did they all die?” and “why is Sir Ian McKellen acting in a movie alongside Taylor Swift and Jason Derulo?”

 

Finally, Igor settled on the most-pressing question he could come up with. And, as a bolt of lightning illuminated his face (and the word “CATS” gleamed eerily on the screen before him), he asked:

 

“Why are some of them wearing fur coats?”

 

 

“What?”

 

“Why are some of the cats wearing fur coats?” repeated Igor. “If they’re cats, why do they need clothing? And if the coats are made of fur, then what are they using to make the coats? More cats? Like, I haven’t seen any other animals besides cats in this video, so I’d assume… right? I mean, what are the rules of this society? Do they wait until the cats die before they make coats out of them? Or is it a perverse form of capital punishment where they make the coats out of living cats? And, by the way, who’s making these coats? Humans? Or is this an alternate world where cats have evolved the ability to make clothing (because of their opposable thumbs)? Is this a dystopia? I mean, Christ. I know I shouldn’t be getting hung up on this specific, but I just feel like there’s a lot-”

 

“Get out.”

 

“What?”

 

“GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!” roared Dr. Frankenstein as, all too late, he realized the hideous depths of his own damned hubris. Once again, Dr. Frankenstein had played God…

 

And, once again, he was paying the terrible, terrible consequences.

 

“Look. It just seems a little half-baked is all I’m saying over here,” grumbled Igor as he shuffled back out of the lab, leaving Frankenstein alone with his creation.

 

Several minutes passed as Frankenstein stared, voicelessly, at the creature in front of him. Until, like the clang of a broken timpani drum, a final thunderclap ripped through the sky above him, waking him from his reverie.

 

“Memory,” whispered the movie trailer silently, all alone in the world of a cold and empty laboratory…

 

And, then, Dr. Frankenstein began to weep.