Originals
Inside Sedition and 8 Other Potential Ronna McDaniel’s Fox News Shows
Inside Sedition, Fox and No Friends, Big Steal or No Big Steal, and more!
Entries by Paul Lander
Cartoons
CARTOON: An Inner Search
In Search of Self. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Magazine Rack
Men’s Stealth Magazine
Maintaining Your Core, But Not Your Core Values, Avoiding Commitment One Swipe at a Time, Running Away From Your Latest? (Don’t Forget To Count Your Steps!) and more in this issue of Men’s Stealth!
Originals
Homer’s Odyssey Character or Skin Rash Medication
Telemachus, Prednisone, Locaid and more!
Originals
Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2023
Our yearly countdown of the years best numbers. You won’t believe number 1!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Login Dogin
Try R3X. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Trapped
Devil is in the details. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.
Originals
Matterhornier and 8 Other Disney World Upgraded Attractions
Matterhornier, It’s a Medium Size World After All, Dumbo The Flying First Class Elephant, and more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: IndictMINTS
Now on every MyPillow guy Pillow! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.
Magazine Rack
Lustler Magazine
Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let’s Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Clean Sweep
Shattering expectations. Today’s cartoon by Sarah Morrissette and Paul Lander.
originals
Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot’
It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It’s so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!
Originals
Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads
Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!
Originals
Quiz: Nickname For Trump or Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Flavor
Baby Finger, Dirt Cake, Angry Creamsicle, and more!
Originals
2023 Spelling Bee Word or Weight Loss Pill
Xentermine, Probouleutic, OxiPHEX, and more!
Originals
Short Attention Span Musical Theater
Annie Get Your Gun Annie: I can do anything you can do better Boyfriend: Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Curtain
Magazine Rack
Gothmopolitan Magazine
Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other’s Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.
Magazine Rack
Popular Séance Magazine
Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.
Originals
2023 Coachella Act or Classic Sitcom Wacky Neighbor
Uncle Waffles, Cosmo Kramer, Quagmire, and more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Thank You Al Jaffee
Farewell to a Mad Genius, Al Jaffee. Cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Originals
10 Rules For Kid Rock Concert Goers So He Doesn’t Get Triggered And Refuse To Play
Do not seat any fans in rows LGBT or Q.
Best of 2023
GLUMMER Magazine
It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn’t: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Circle of Life
The family business of stress. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Originals
Quiz: Jon Lovitz as SNL character Tommy Flannigan or Congressman George Santos
Married to Morgan Fairchild, Played Third Base for KC Royals in the World Series, Star of Baruch College volleyball team, President of Pathological Liars Association. And more!
Magazine Rack
Plateboy Magazine
Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!
Originals
Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2022
Tough choices this year, so many deserving but only so many spots!
Magazine Rack
FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue
The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Social Currency
Fee Speech. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Magazine Rack
OnlyFansgoria
Frankenstein’s Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!
Originals
Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials
If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn’t Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer’s vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Trunk Bunk
Strife of the party. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.
Best of 2022
National Enshirer
Aragorn’s Longbow EXPOSED! (NOT Actually Very Long!) Sauron’s Role In The Jan 6th Attack! Lord Of The Onion Rings!: Frodo Explains Massive COVID Weight Gain! And more!
Magazine Rack
RottingStone Magazine
Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, ‘Name That Tomb’ with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!
Originals
Quiz: 2022 Wimbledon Finalist or Scripps Spelling Bee Word
Micawber, Rybakina, Kyrgios, Sirtaki, some are names, some are words, but they all are impossibly hard to spell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Boothless
Man of (might have to) steal some pants. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Magazine Rack
Newsbleak Magazine
Study Confirms: We’re All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don’t Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!
Originals
Spelling Bee Or STD
This year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a lightning round spell off. The words were tough, but not as tough as a positive STD test at a clinic. Would you know the difference? Here’s a quiz to find out!
Originals
AK Mart and 14 Other NRA approved Wedding Registries
Crate and Gun Barrel, Bed, Blood Bath and Beyond, Target, and more.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Fill’er Up!
Time to get a bike. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.
Magazine Rack
Renthouse Magazine
Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.
Originals
Coachella Act or TV Sitcom Catchphrase
Still Woozy, Bang, zoom, to the moon, Alice, Kiss My Grits, and more!
Magazine Rack
TV Snide
‘Oh boy! More Streaming Services!? Maybe they could put them all together on one bill, oh wait, we had that and f*cked it up!’ ‘The Voice: Sorry, Folks, No Good Singers Left’ and more in this issue of TV Snide!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Showtime
Ready for my close up. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Magazine Rack
Queasyriders Magazine
Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!
Magazine Rack
Cosmopolitician Magazine
Stealing Hearts and Voting Rights, Denying Climate Change to Get Them Hot, and more in this issue of Cosmopolitician Magazine!
Originals
Quiz: Pokémon or Cryptocurrency
Shiba Inu, Gordor, Tezos: Which is Pokémon OR Crypto?
Originals
Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2021
Counting down the top ten numbers of 2021! You’ll never guess Number 1!
Magazine Rack
Ass Weakly Magazine
In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says “Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!”
Magazine Rack
Bartha Steward Shiving
Time Off For Gouda Behavior, Adding A Splash Of Fall Medley To Your Gang’s Colors, and more in this issue of Bartha Steward Shiving.
Originals
O Captain Crunch, My Captain Crunch And 9 Other Corporate Naming Rights Suggestions for Great Works Of Poetry
The Love Song of J. Crew Alfred Prufrock – TS Eliot, The Charge of the Bud Light Brigade – Alfred Lord Tennyson, Caged Bird’s Eye Frozen Dinners – Maya Angelou
Magazine Rack
Reaper’s Diegest
‘Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist’, ‘Slim Reapers: This Year’s Most Flattering Death Robes!’ ‘Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?’ and More from this month’s Reaper’s Digest!
Magazine Rack
VAXIM Magazine
Pharma Sutra: Can Pfizer Make You A “Riser”? Johnson & Johnson Into Your Johnson? And more!
Magazine Rack
GQAnon Magazine
The Max In Anti-Vax Slacks, Q-Mart Shoppers, The Gaetz Of Hell, and more!
Best Of 2021
Rudebook Magazine
Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, ‘Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!’ And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.
Originals
Quiz: Delta Plus Airline Perks Or Delta Plus Variant Result
Nextflix binge watching, Complimentary adult beverage, Increased chance of blood clots, and more!
Originals
Moderna Pentathlon and 10 Other Sports Scheduled For 2021 Tokyo Olympics
Wash Your Handball, Long Social Distance Running, Barfary, and more!
originals
Rejected Names For Trump’s New Social Media Site ‘GETTR’
GRIFTTR, GRABBR, SUCKKR, and more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Shoe Sightings
Never before seen…deals! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.
Originals
Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed
Baktykozha Izmukhambetov, Trcghed Acfsfgth, Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh, and more!
Originals
Haikus: No Rhymes, Barely Any Reason
Word dyslexia/ Looks like a term that was spelled/ By someone with it.
Originals
Dr. Maybe, I’m Not Sure And The 8 Other Least Confident Bond Villains
Aluminum Finger, Gums, Oddparttimejob, and more!
Originals
19 Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite College Sports Teams
Univ of Arkansas Gillette Razorbacks, Florida Gatorades, Colorado Buffalo Wings, and more!
Originals
Rejected Buzzfeed Questions
Between Zesty Blood Orange, Ginger Lime, Feisty Cherry Or Twisty Mango, Which New Diet Coke Flavor Would Be Your Stripper Name? And more!
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Names for Trump’s New Political Party
Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Double Trouble
It’s A Small World After All. Today’s cartoon by Paul lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Fire Sale
Everything must go! Please, please just go! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
originals
Top Ten Numbers 1 Through 10 of 2020
Who will be the number 1 number of 2020? We can’t wait to find out! Eeeeeeeee!
Originals
Quiz: Trump Pardon/Not A Trump Pardon
1. Boris and Natasha (Espionage, Attempted kidnapping of Moose and Squirrel) 2. Charles Manson (Cult Leader) 3. Susan B Anthony (Resisting Arrest) and more!
Originals
Fired and 14 Other Potential Magazine Covers for Trump
Creeple, Trolling Stoned, Poor Sports Illustrated, and more!
Originals
The Bigliest Sore Loser and 14 Other Future Reality Shows for The Post Presidency Trumps to Appear On
Criminal Double Jeopardy, Lame Duck Dynasty, The Bigliest Sore Loser, and more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Seedy Sources
Also President Trump is in amazing shape and smells tremendous. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Hot Air
Yet we feel deflated. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Zoom Batter!
Hope they are charged up for the game! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Zoom Wave
Let’s do the digital WAVE, got any cyberdogs!? Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Best of 2020
Hall of Impeached Presidents And 9 Other Disney World Updated Attractions For 2020 Grand Reopening
It’s a Smaller World After All – (With Americans banned from most countries on this ride) and more!
originals
Independent Book Store or A Friend’s Goofy Band Name
Moby Dickens, Ted From Accounting, The Banana Split Infinitives, and more Bookstore OR Band.
Originals
The Amazon Prime Fresh Prince of Bel Air and 11 Other CoronaVirus TV Show Reboots
Stay at Home Improvement, Dr Birx, Medicine Woman, and more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Unhinged Definition
In case you needed a lesson. Clorox Coffee anyone? Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Frosty Testimony
Melting Defenses. Today’s catoon by Bob Eckstein and Paul Lander.
Originals
Italian Dessert Or Communicable Disease
Some have oozy creamy filling, and some are desserts.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Trump Mints
Do Not Disturb?? Too late! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
originals
Don’t Get in a Stranger’s Van, Charlie Brown and 10 Other Rejected Peanuts TV Specials
Has Anyone Seen Charlie Brown’s Bong? Pig Pen Gets Quarantined Peppermint Patty Gets Diabetes Lucy’s First Period Don’t Get in a Stranger’s Van, Charlie Brown Woodstock Tastes Like Chicken Linus Comes Out Snoopy Gets Neutered The Little Red Headed Girl is a Tramp Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow, Sally Brown Marcie Kisses a Girl and […]
originals
Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and 15 Other Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite Pro Sports Team Names. # 6 Will Make You Want To Stand Up And Start The Wave
NY Jet Blues, Chicago Bear Sterns , Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and more!
Originals
Canadians To Stop Making Penises And Six Other Headlines I Read Too Fast And What They Really Said
READ: Cosmetologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics WAS: Cosmologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics
Cartoons
CARTOON: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Memoir
It’s a real page burner. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Originals
Quiz: Death Row Or Hasbro?
Hasbro buys Death Row Records, do you know which is which? Ready, set, go…
originals
15 Potential Product Placements of Biblical Proportions #7 Could Get You to Convert
The Wailing Walmart, Virgin Mary Atlantic Airlines, The Three Wise Men’s Warehouse, and more.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Trump Sippy Cup
Didn’t you notice the happy meals? All for him! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Diet War
What could possibly go wrong? Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Originals
Be Careful Out There Quiz: 2019 Spelling Bee Winning Word Or STD
Auslaut, Chlamedia, Diguillette and more Spelling Bee Word or STD.
originals
Cardi D Minus and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Summer Tours
The Pips, No Gladys, Perturbed Against The Machine, Some Doubt, The Jonas Brothers’ Cousins and more budget concerts coming this summer!
originals
A Midsummer’s Night Big Bang Theory
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Bazinga!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Statue of ██bert█
Terms and Conditions subject to change. Today’s cartoon by Paul lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Redaction Faction
Need more paint and marker for cover-up, er, um…redaction. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Originals
Pop Quiz: Vladimir Nabokov’s ‘Lolita’ or Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’
And the rest is rust and stardust./ Maybe it’s all part of a plan, I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes hoping that you’ll understand. Creepy Book or Pop Song?
originals
2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font
Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more ‘Font Or Band’. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.
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QUIZ: Is it T.S. Eliot or Missy Elliott?
I got a cute face, chubby waist. Thick legs, in shape. / For a similar reason, when game is in season, he is found, not at Fox’s, but Blimpy’s. And more.
Cartoons
CARTOON: I’m Melting!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Wallnuts
Allergic to both? Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Air Force * 1
One small change. Huge difference. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
originals
Trumpism or Coachella Act
The Violent Left, Rude Elevator Screamers, Cash Cash and more.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Trump Xmas
Everything spins. Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
originals
Busta Dissident And 7 Other Rapper Names For Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin wants Russia to control rap music. So, to give him some street cred in that task, here are suggestions for rapper names for the Russian President: MC Hammer And Sickle Notorious KGB Master P Tape Cra Z Busta Dissident Lil’ Vlad 50 Rubles Vlad the Oligarch
originals
TBA: Smockey Bear And 7 Other Official Changes In Spelling
Look for White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to announce the following official changes in spelling to prove that Trump’s spelling ‘smoking gun’ ‘smocking gun’ wasn’t a mistake, just a preview of a new federal spelling policy.
originals
Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides
Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.
originals
‘105 Luftballons’ and 9 Other Rock ‘N Roll Recounts
With all the hullabaloo surrounding the recent recounts in Florida and Georgia, the following tunes were given a recount. The results tabulated as follows…
originals
Talk that Trump Jr. to be indicted by Mueller soon… Or, as Trump Sr. will say…
“Heard he wet the bed. He’s no Trump. Everyone knows we have hookers do that for us.”
originals
Pop Quiz: Our Gang Little Rascal or Alternative Rock Band
Zebrahead, Alfalfa, Froggy, Weezer and more.
originals
Quiz: Literary Journal or Comic Book Villain
Ploughshares, Prometheus, Glimmer Train, Zyzzyva and more.
originals
‘Beaver Tails’ and Other Stocks to Buy Now That Pot is Legal in Canada
Got the munchies eh? These are the stocks to watch!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Kanye’s New Name
That name might be taken already! Today’s cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.
originals
Prizes For Trump Now That Winning Nobel Peace Prize is Kaput
Cracker Jacks ‘Prize Inside the Box’ That’s it. that’s the list.
originals
Wild Horses Can’t Drag Us Apart, Oy Vey’ and 7 Other Rolling Stone Lyrics Made Age Appropriate
Just by adding “Oy Vey” to a ‘Rolling Stone’ lyric, the band sounds their actual age…
originals
Does Jim Mattis Think You’re Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and 11 Other TV Reality Shows a Post Presidency Trump Could Appear On
Who Wants to Be A Pretend Billionaire? We have a guess. Bob Woodward’s “Fear” Factor Anyone?
Cartoons
Sickly Bands
art by Dan McConnell
originals
NASDAQ Listing, Rhyme Scheme or Swedish Pop Band
1. ABAB 2. AAC 3. AHO 4. ABBA 5. AA BB 6. AVHA 7. AABBA 8. OPETH 9. AOD 10. ACAD NASDAQ Listing: 2, 3, 6, 9, 10 Rhyme Scheme: 1, 4, 5, 7 Swedish Pop Band: 4, 8
originals
Kane Mutiny And Captain O’ Captain Lou Albino vs. The On The Road Warriors and 7 Other Wrestlemania Matches: The Norton Anthology Of Literature Edition
Brett Hart of Darkness vs. Sgt. Slaughter House Five Rowdy Roddy Pippa Longstockings vs. Jimmy ‘Lord Of The Superflies’ Snooka Kane Mutiny And Captain O’ Captain Lou Albino vs. The On The Road Warriors The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter Hearst Hemsley vs. Henderson The Rain King Kong Bundy Norman Mauler And Jules Verne Gagne […]
originals
Groucho Marx: ‘I wouldn’t want to belong to a LinkedIn group that would have me as a member,’ and 11 Other Famous Quotes Updated for Millennials
Bible: Let he who is without sin podcast throwing the first stone Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar: iCame, iSaw, iConquered Rene DeCartes: I think therefore I.M. Admiral John Paul Jones: Don’t shoot until you see the red spot is gone from their eyes. Abraham Lincoln: 4Score&7yrsago.com Chief Joseph: From where the sun now stands I will friend […]
originals
White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things
Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister: How Much Woodnt Wouldn’t A Woodntchuck Chuck If A Woodntchuck Could Chuck Woodnt Favorite Actress: Natalie Wouldn’t Favorite Actor: James Wouldn’ts Favorite Musical: Into the Wouldn’ts Favorite Beatle Song: Norwegian Wouldn’t Favorite Cartoon Character: Woudnty Wouldntpecker Favorite Gold Club: 3 Wouldn’t Favorite One Hit Song: I Wouldn’t Walk […]
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‘Mr. Gorbachev add onto this wall’ and 6 other Presidential quotes Trump would have ‘fixed’ if he had been President
George Washington: I can tell a lie. Cherry tree? What cherry tree? Abe Lincoln: A house divided against itself cannot stand. Or maybe it can. What do I know? Theodore Roosevelt: Talk loudly and carry a tiny stick. FDR: You have everything to fear. Be afraid. Very afraid. JFK: Ask not what you can do […]
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Quiz: Deadly Sin or Snow White Dwarf
1. Envy 2. Gluttony 3. Sneezy 4. Greed 5. Sleepy 6. Doc 7. Sloth 8. Bashful 9. Grumpy 10. Wrath 11. Lust 12. Dopey 13. Happy 14. Pride Deadly Sin: 1,2,4,7,10,11,14 Snow White Dwarf: 3,5,6,8,9,12,13
originals
Rainbow Trout and 13 Other LGBTQ Friendly Things Hungarian Right Wingers Might Want to Ban Along with The Musical Billy Elliot
You really just have to get rid of all of it or people might actually start being themselves.
originals
Forever 21 to Life and 8 Other Wedding Registries For People Marrying Their ‘In The Pen Pal’
So, your female bestie’s ‘In The Pen Pal’ beau has proposed marriage. His second life sentence, so to speak. Surely, the future Mrs. has plenty on her mind like whether to keep her last name or go with his prison number. Therefore, to save valuable time, during the sure to be hectic preparations and festivities […]
News Briefs
Donald Trump’s Hair to Announce It’s Transitioning Into A Quilt
The news just got a bit more hair-raising as it relates to the continued march toward the exit doors at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Diane Sawyer, in a blockbuster interview, sure to draw comparisons to her sit down with Caitlyn Jenner, announced that Donald Trump’s hair piece will appear with Sawyer to discuss its transitioning into […]
News Briefs
For MTV’s ‘Real World’ There’s No Place Like Nome
MTV’s ‘Real World’ announced its latest destination – Nome, Alaska. An MTV spokeswoman insisted the choice was not made because the show had already been everywhere else. In fact, the MTV spokeswoman related, “Five super hot horny hunks, five nympho-maniacal, surgical-enhanced, amoral coeds with only each other to generate heat. Trust us; the pipe line […]
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Quiz: Actual Ambien Side Effect or Roseanne Ambien Side Effect
1. Clumsiness or Unsteadiness 2 Confusion 3 Depression 4 Difficulty with Breathing 5 Racist Rants on Twitter 6 Dizziness, Lightheadedness, or Fainting 7 VH 1 ‘Where are they Now Special’ 8 Falling 9 Fast Heartbeat 10 TV Show Cancelled 11 Skin Rash 12 Trouble Sleeping 13 Belief Former First Daughters are married to George Soros’s […]
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Quiz: Vape Flavor or Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By…
Crazy Chill Jungle Juice Crazy Hump Wild Cherry Muffin Top Buttery Nipple Swamp Frog Sweet Tart Black Mamba Waffle Sammwich Vape Flavor – All Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By – All
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10 Helpful Hints If You’re Lucky Enough To Land an Invite To Harry and Meghan’s Wedding
Don’t just leave your car keys with anyone in a fancy uniform. There’s a 50/50 chance that’s not the valet, but the father of the groom — Prince Charles Liz, Lizzie, Queen, Queenie, are not names Queen Elizabeth will answer to. Relax, Harry’s got this. All the pressure’s on Prince William. Fact is, if William […]
News Briefs
Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas “All You Can Eat” Buffets
Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley found trouble again in Las Vegas. This time it wasn’t Barkley’s well-known gambling habits that put the all-timer in a bind, it was his equally well-known midsection — the one that earned him the nickname “The Round Mound of Rebound” during his storied career. A […]
originals
A Midsummer Night’s Shakespeare with Ryan Gosling
To prove that nothing is outside Ryan Gosling’s range as an actor, just add “Hey, Girl” to a line in Shakespeare and let Gosling do the rest: Hey, Girl, to be or not to be that is the question. Hey, Girl, this is the season of our discontent. Hey, Girl, and friends, Romans, countrymen, lend […]
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IGotThatPeePeeTape and 9 Other User Names To Get US Visas From Trump Administration
With the US requiring would-be immigrants to turn over social media handles, that would explain these recently processed VISA recipients @IGotThatPeePeeTape @ImNorwegian @AlexBaldwinSucks @ItsMeVladmirPutin @HotForCelebrityApprentceHost @ComeyCanBlowMe @RussianOligarchWillPay10XValueForACondo @GrabMeByThePussy @YoungerHotterEasternEuropeanTrophyWife#4 @MuellerisaMeanie
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Upgraded Beatles Lyrics 2.0
All You Need Is Like, Like Is All You Need Yelp! I Need Somebody. Yes2day I.M The Walrus Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club’s Bandwidth With A Little Help From My Facebook Friends Baby, You Can Drive My Prius Paperback Writer: Kindle Edition Let It AirBNB Do You Want To Know My Password? Do You Promise […]
originals
Public Bathroom Etiquette: 11 Things You Don’t Say at Urinals
After multiple urinal related altercations in restrooms across the U.S. and parts of Canada, the National Society for Bathroom Etiquette released the following list of things not to say to the person standing next to you: You’re that former New York Congressman who took the selfies. Can you hold this while I make a phone […]
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Play Ball!: People Trump Would Like to Throw Out Instead of Traditional First Pitch
Carmen San Diego Mueller Random Cabinet Member Mueller Overrated Meryl Streep The Entire U.N Delegation from Wakanda. Mueller Another Random Cabinet Member Alex Baldwin Alec Baldwin Jeff Sessions Whoever undercooked this steak Mueller Very Fake News CNN Liddle Bob Corker The NFL Anyone With The Last Name Schumer Sleepy Eyed Chuck Todd The Failing NY […]
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PlentyOfPrisoners and 11 Other Sites For People Who Confuse Crazy In Love w/Being In Love w/Someone Crazy
eHarmMe eBodilyHarmony ChristianMangle PlentyOfPrisoners AdultFiendFinder Cra-Cra Date Blindr OkStupid PeopleOnSpeedDate OJdate SexyArsonistsLightAMatch DateBaitandSwitch
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Quiz: New Diet Coke Flavor or Porn Star
1. Brandi Love 2. Feisty Cherry 3. Cherrie DeVille 4. Sunny Leone 5. Ginger Lime 6. Twisted Mango 7. Jynx Made 8. Cherie DeVille 9. Zesty Blood Orange Diet Coke Flavor: 2,5,6,9 Porn Star: 1,3,4,7,8
originals
Mumford, No Son and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Spring/Summer Tours
In an effort to keep ticket prices down the recording industry has announced a plan to send out music artists in a marked down form. Those announcing tours for this spring and summer include: Maroon 2.7 The Rolling Stone Ice Lower Case t Justin Timberpond The Mall Police AM only Radiohead Lady Ga 47 Cent […]
originals
That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) and 11 other Scientific American Music Award Winners
I Wanna Be Your Salivating Dog – Ivan Pavlov (Feat. The Stooges) Nuthin’ But A Zero G ‘Thang’ – Sir Isaac Newton (Feat. dr. Dre) That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) Get Your Freakonomics On – Steve Levitt and Mike Dubner (Feat. Missy Elliot) Super Freakonomics 2- Steve Levitt and Mike […]
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8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person
The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel. Lindsay has had to surrender her passport. The Queen gives to over 90 medical and health-care charities, in addition to the hundreds of other organizations she is involved with. Lindsay, too, has been known for doing ‘Community Service.’ The Queen can never be arrested. Lindsay can’t get […]
News Briefs
Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton “Government Shutdowners Of Today Are Sissies”
Former President Bill Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich called out today’s would-be government shutdowners as a bunch of sissies. Reminiscing about the differences between the shutdown of 1995 and a new looming one, the two former leaders of their parties called out today’s players. “That’s right, sissies,” Clinton said. “Now man up and shut […]
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Deepak Chopra’s Greatest Hits (feat. Justin Bieber)
Proof that by adding “Baby, baby, baby, oh” to a Deepak Chopra quote, you get a Justin Bieber lyric Baby, baby, baby, oh, nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real. Baby, baby, baby, oh, the less you open your heart to others, the more your heart […]
News Briefs
“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!
A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic jam. What was supposed to be a run of the mill “Toys for Tots” event became anything but, when its full page ad declared “Toys For Tits.” Word of the “event” spread quickly, causing two local strip joints to close completely. Said Honey […]
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He’s Got Really Small Hands After All and 8 Other New Disney World Rides Added in Honor of Trump’s New Wax Figure in Hall of Presidents
Jared Kushner’s Slum Lords of The Caribbean He’s Got Really Small Hands After All Bigly Thunder Mountain Trump Tower of Terror Enchanted WikiLeaks Room Under the Bankrupt-sea Splash Mountain of Debt The Largest, Hugest Mainstreet Parade In The History of Disney World The Haunted Mansion And Resort
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Quiz: George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV or CDC’s 7 Words/Phrases Forbidden By Trump Administration
1. vulnerable 2.piss 3 motherfucker 4. entitlement 5. cunt 6. diversity 7. shit 8. fuck 9. transgender 10. fetus 11. tits 12. evidence-based 13. cockersucker 14. science-based Carlin: 2,3,5,7,8,11,13 CDC: 1,4,6,9,10,12,14
