Actual Phases of Being Stuck Inside of a Global Pandemic
The hey-this-isn’t-so-bad phase!
The wow-I-haven’t-driven-my-car-in-weeks phase.
The binge-watching-Nicolas-Cage-movies-from-the-1990’s phase.
The persuading-your-wife-that-Nicolas-Cage-movies-from-the-1990s-weren’t-that-bad phase.
The purchasing-a-plethora-of-scented-candles-on-Amazon phase.
The-telling-your-children-to-come-take-a-whiff-of-your-new-candles phase.
The hey-everyone-I-just-drove-three-miles phase!
The whoa-pushups-at-home-are-much-cheaper-than-a-gym-membership phase.
The I-miss-going-to-concerts-with-my friends phase.
The Seinfeld-is-still-the-funniest-show-ever phase.
The I-should-be-a-comedian phase.
The I-love-Scrabble phase.
The Scrabble-is-better-than-Trivial-Pursuit phase.
The I-hate-Scrabble phase.
The arguing-with-neighbors-over-who-makes-the-best-shittiest-tasting-coffee-at-home phase.
The why-would-I-ever-need-to-wear-something-other-than-sweatpants phase.
The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.
The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.
The I-miss-my-sons-basketball-games-way-more-than-a-healthy-person-should phase.
The we-love-our-cat-but-walk-so-much-we-should-get-a-dog phase.
The which-wine-goes-good-with-breakfast phase.
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Josh Lorenzo is a part-time humor writer, featured in various places, such as McSweeney’s and the Washington Post. He writes a regular satirical column, Don’t Feed the Animals at Political Animal Magazine. You can reach him on Twitter at @theathrofsrcsm, where he has at least 11 followers.
