originals

Whore-O-Scope

[Prostitutional Premonitions]

Aries (March 21- April 19)

You will meet a tall, dark stranger this month; in fact, you will meet many, as you are a prostitute.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today, moon is in Scorpio. In other words, “Moon” is an erect penis, and “Scorpio” is your butthole.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today’s lucky number for Scorpio is seven; coincidentally, the same number of times that Antonio will stab you in the chest and neck for trying to hide cash from him again.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The stars look good for a new promotion today, as your madame will be set on fire by an irate customer.


Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today is a good day to try something new; prepare by running a cheese grater over your inner thighs while gargling ham-water.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your aura is a bit off today, most likely related to being quite insane and near death due to syphilis.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Turn a negative to a positive today; teeth continuing to fall out due to meth use? Now you can charge more for blowjobs!


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A vibrant and hopeful energy is coming into your heart today. The less said about what’s coming onto your other organs, the better.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The stars say that you will win a significant amount of money in today’s lottery! Unfortunately you’ll spend it all on heroin and die choking on your own vomit (amongst other things).


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A person from your past will return to you today. Several persons, in fact, as the abortion-toilet in your dealer’s house will back up again.


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aries naturally rules the house cusp. You rule the whorehouse, though, so cut that bitch if she gets mouthy with you again.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your sign is a water sign, which perhaps explains why you’ve had so many requests for enemas this week.


Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….

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