TO: Punxsutawney Groundhog Club
FROM: Paul Ryan, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives
DATE: January 8, 2018
SUBJECT: Steve Bannon Handling Guidelines
First, I’d like to thank you gentlemen for your cooperation. Your initial hesitation on replacing beloved groundhog Punxsutawney Phil with former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was understandable. However, since failing to get Roy Moore elected to the Senate, Bannon has been drifting around aimlessly—and that’s dangerous.
Since Bannon already spends the majority of his time curled up in a hole in the ground eating bugs, placing him in a burrow on Gobbler’s Knob seemed like a safe way to keep him neatly contained so he’s unable to “bitch-slap the Republican party.” Due to Bannon’s aggressive tendencies, I have included several handling tips to ensure a safe, festive Groundhog Day for all.
As soon as Bannon awakens from his slumber on Gobbler’s Knob, he’ll need to be transported to the top of the hill to make his prediction. It is imperative that his handlers are equipped with sturdy gloves for their protection. Bannon has often noted that he’s “not really a human rights guy” and will not hesitate to take his handlers out with his razor-sharp toenails and equally dangerous conspiracy theories. This is also an opportunity for handlers to exercise their Constitutional right to bear semi-automatic rifles. Also, prayer. I recommend prayer.
Speak Slowly and Calmly
Handlers can combat Bannon’s frantic nature by speaking in soft, soothing tones. In the case that Bannon emerges from the burrow shrieking “I HAVE TRUE POWER,” handlers should give him a quick smack on the hindquarters and a firm “No!” The same applies if he attempts any outright promotion of his documentary, “Clinton Cash,” or his upcoming position with the “Breitbart News Daily” team on SiriusXM’s Patriot channel. Bannon is a sworn enemy to those of us upholding traditional Conservative family values—for example, the god-given right to beat your Catholic sons with a statue of Vitalis of Assisi, the patron saint of genital ailments. Any of Bannon’s attempts to pursue a public platform should be thwarted.
Watch for Inflammatory Rhetoric
Bannon’s self-proclaimed motto is “honey badger don’t give a shit.” That is his actual motto, guys. Handlers should be prepared for the variety of insults that Bannon may release once disturbed. He’ll insult your haircut. He’ll insult your mother. He’ll call you a “limp-dick motherfucker who was born in a petri dish at the Heritage Foundation.” Side note: I am 100 percent not mad about that anymore. I’m seriously beyond over it. My dick is far from limp and literally everyone knows that.
If Bannon sees his bulbous, looming shadow, he will likely scurry immediately back into the burrow where he will receive a cookie and another sedative. If, however, Bannon does not see his shadow, he may scurry down Gobbler’s Knob to begin his populist campaign in preparation for the 2020 election. If Bannon begins to scurry, he should be bound, gagged and thrust back into the burrow until 2021.
Once again, gentlemen, thank you for your cooperation and enthusiasm for maintaining the time-honored traditions of our great nation.
P.S. If he bites, you’re done for.