Tens of thousands of Donald Trump supporters will be flocking to our nation’s capital this weekend to watch and celebrate his inauguration. But if you’re a Trump fan with only two days to spend in D.C., it can be hard to know which sites are a must-sees and which sites you can skip. To help pare down your schedule, the Lampoon brings Trump supporters a list of some can’t-miss sites in D.C. and some that you can take a big PASS on:
- The National Archives: Home to the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, our country’s founding documents. They’re faded with age, but if you look closely, you can still make out the clauses in the Constitution about English being our national language and Christianity being our national religion.
- The Hot Dog Stand on 15th Street and Constitution Avenue: This one is owned by white people, and they also sell churros.
- The National Museum of African-American History: A lot of this museum is a must-skip, but what would a trip to our nation’s capital be without some nostalgia for our country’s simpler roots? Don’t miss the exhibit on plantations.
- T-Shirt Vendors Outside the Museum of Natural History: The exhibits in the museum itself are some of the more fanciful things in a city not noted for its creativity and imagination, but the guy outside is selling “I want the D” T-Shirts with the new president’s face on them, available in all women’s sizes.
- Congress: Someone mentioned something about a fire being planned for the Senate chamber, so probably best to check it out now.
- The Lincoln Memorial: A towering, neo-classical monument to our country’s sixteenth president, the Lincoln Memorial is a shrine to a humble, philosophical man who defended democratic ideals and helped to make the promises implicit in our founding documents applicable to all Americans, regardless of race. The words etched into the Memorial’s walls commemorate a president who sought victory but not vengeance and who, with almost Shakespearean eloquence, articulated the purpose of the struggle for America’s–and democracy’s–very soul. So, so weak. Russia hears that, and they’re laughing at us. They’re laughing.
- The National Mall: A four mile-long promenade, the National Mall is outdoors, does not have any shops, television screens, rides, or Arby’s, and requires walking. Avoid.
- The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum: A sprawling museum on the far side of the National Mall, the Holocaust Museum is a suspect account of one side of a story that a lot of people frankly still have questions about. Time was, museums were about facts, but nowadays, everybody has an agenda. Sad.
- The Library of Congress: Outrageous building near the U.S. Capitol with over 38 million books on approximately 838 miles of bookshelves, funded by taxpayer dollars. With its high ceilings and unique architecture, it would make a terrific venue for a casino. Check back in four years.
- Shaw: This historically black neighborhood is also home to many recent college graduates.