originals

Trump’s Plans for a Canadian Border Wall

The Moat

We’re going to build a great moat, a great moat, and we’re going to fill it with maple syrup. Nobody builds moats like me, folks. Nobody. And if I do a super-duper — and that’s a phrase Barron just taught me, “super-duper.” A lot of people don’t know this, but “super duper” is actually a smarter way of saying “big league,” if you can believe it. People are always saying to me, “Donald, you have the best words.” And I say — Barron, believe me — he’s 10 years old, he knows some the best words. He can do anything with a computer. He actually has this strategy — 10 years old, he has this great strategy for sweeping up all the mines in the Middle East. Terrific. Just terrific.

So the Moat. It should cost $10 billion. Some are saying less. $10 billion. Now if I do a super-duper, deeper, better, thicker, better security, better everything moat, then maybe it goes up a little.

One thing I can tell you: we’re going to buy American maple syrup. We’re going to fill that moat with 100% American-made syrup. In Canada, nobody believes this, but things are so bad they’re getting their syrup from trees. From trees, folks. Just terrible. Our beautiful Canadian provinces are in disrepair. We’re going to fill our big, beautiful moat with 100% American syrup, and it’s going to come from a plastic lady, the way God intended. Mrs. Butterworth’s — well, she was married at the time, maybe after I get through with her, she’ll be Ms. Butterworth. But of course, Aunt Jemima — sadly, no longer a 10. It is very hard to be a 10.


Tariffs

Effective immediately, we’re going to be imposing tariffs on imports of Canadian softwood lumber. Softwood — trust me, folks. Not a problem. Believe me.


The Lines

One strategy we’re going to use, which I think is going to be very, very effective, is we’re going to distract the Canadians. We’re going to paint these big, beautiful signs, and they’re going to say “American Healthcare This Way”, and they’re going to have these arrows painted — very classy, very subtle. And people are going to flock to these signs. Paul Ryan helped me with this part. Terrific. Terrific guy, that Ron. Ron said that, and no one believes this, but Canadians don’t want free healthcare. They want to pay for their healthcare. They have free preventative medicine, but empty souls.

So they’re going to be so excited to be in these long lines, thinking they’re getting into America, but — and this is great — the arrows aren’t going to be pointing to America, they’ll be pointing to Alaska, so you’ll just have these lines and lines of Canadians who we’re essentially going to trick, and it’s going to be very efficient.


The President

Look, we had a great phone call today. We spoke and discussed the dairy trade in Wisconsin and New York and various other places, and it was very amicable. I said, “We’re going to build a wall and you’re going to pay for it, eventually, in some form,” and the President said, “Sir, this is a Tim Horton’s.” Very eye opening. I look forward to doing more great work with President Horton in the future.


Justin Bieber

Look at Justin Bieber. Whether you like him or not, I mean, he’s doing a great job of rebuilding the image of Justin Bieber and also rebuilding Justin Bieber, period. And I’ve never even met him, but he said some very nice things about me. I think that I would probably get along with him very well. We’ve met. I have no relationship with him other than he called me a genius. And besides, wouldn’t it be good if I actually got along with Justin Bieber? You know, the video, he peed in a bucket, he said some very rough things about Bill Clinton, which, whether they’re true, you know, he walks all over us.


Exceptions

Look, folks: when Canada sends it people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re sending horse cops, they’re sending people drinking bags of milk. And some of them, I assume, are good people.

We’re going to build a big, beautiful wall and a big, beautiful moat, but we’re going to have a little passageway where the good ones can pass in and out freely. Jim Carey — who is a terrific guy, very good at Science, probably my Secretary of Science — for example.

And the Ryans, of course Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling will have free passage to and from America, although by Common Law Citizenship I think they belong to us anyway. Ryan Gosling — I once saw a very neat thing he said about me, I think it was a photograph — very handsome, and it said “Hey Donald” and then it said “I like how your tie reaches your knees,” which a lot of people are saying but of course the biased media won’t report on that. Ryan Gosling is saying this, and no one covers it. Sad.


Traps

We’re going to ramp up security all along the northern border, and there will be traps — nobody makes a trap like I do, folks, ask Melania. And we’re going to build this beautiful trap: we’re going to put a bottle of hair gel under a box that’s kind of jerry-rigged to this rope contraption, and we’re just going to wait for Justin Trudeau to see it, and as soon as he tries to crawl under the box to get the gel — bam! We cut the rope, and the box falls on him and he’s trapped. But there’s also an enchanted mirror in the box, and of course he still wants to apply his hair gel, and so he looks into the mirror — which he doesn’t know is enchanted, but believe me, it is very, very, very enchanted — he looks into the mirror, and then we kind of do a Freaky Friday where I get his face and his body and his approval ratings, which of course I don’t need, but maybe it would make Justin feel better, I don’t know. Very neat stuff, folks. Hillary won the popular vote.


 

Written by Riane Konc

Riane Konc

Riane Konc is a writer whose work has appeared in Shouts & Murmurs, McSweeney’s, The Washington Post, Reductress, and more. You can find more of her work at rianekonc.com and follow her on Twitter @theillustrious

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