Originals

Too Many Talking Vehicles

Too Many Talking Vehicles was a television show in the 1980s attempting to capitalize on the success of other, more successful shows. Each episode showcased the adventures of Lance McSteele, a special agent with a peculiar arsenal of gadgets. Long forgotten now, here are some excerpts from the shooting script.

INT. SECRET LAIR – DAY

McSteele receives an incoming transmission on his intercom.

MCSTEELE – Go for McSteele.
SPECIAL AGENT ZERO – McSteele, this is Special Agent Zero. Your arch nemesis, Dr. Killgar has set up his doomsday device at the top of Mount Snowpeak. You must reach the top of the mountain and stop him.
MCSTEELE – I’m on it.

Hangs up intercom.

MCSTEELE – Top of a mountain, eh? Gotta get there fast.

Sean the Motorcycle rolls up to McSteele.

SEAN THE MOTORCYCLE – You can count on me, McSteele. I’m fast, durable and can handle almost any terrain.
MCSTEELE – You’re right. Let’s g–
CINDY THE JEEP – Or you can take me–a lean, mean, off-roading machine!
SEAN THE MOTORCYCLE – Get bent, Cindy!
CINDY THE JEEP – Take a hike, Sean! I got four wheels. You got two. Four is better than two.
SEAN THE MOTORCYCLE – I can think of plenty of things where two is better than four: arms, legs, pages left to read for a book report, minutes you have to wait for your pizza rolls in the microwave.
MCSTEELE – Guys, I don’t have time for–
MIKE AND ANDY THE ROLLERBLADES – Hey! Did we hear someone needs to get somewhere and hopefully doesn’t mind looking reeeeeeally dumb? Cause we’re your guy!

KYLE THE PONTOON – Might this mountain have a river running down it? Maybe also somehow flowing uphill?

The vehicles all bicker.

MCSTEELE – Guys! GUYS! You are not helping! And the safety of the world might be at stake! If you keep this up, I won’t take any of you. I’ll walk!
ALL – Awwwww!

Silence.

GARY THE WALKING STICK – ( under his breath ) Yes! My time to shine! Take that you dorks.
MCSTEELE – Shut up, Gary! ( to himself, shaking his head ) I got too many talking vehicles.

Theme song.

EXT. MOUNT SNOWPEAK – DAY

McSteele speeds up the side of Mount Snowpeak on Sean the Motorcycle.

MCSTEELE – You never know what to expect with Killgar. I’m gonna need your help, Sean.
SEAN THE MOTORCYCLE – I got your back, McSteele. Just like how Wilhelm Maybach had Gottlieb Daimler’s back when they invented the first internal combustion motorcycle in 1885!
MCSTEELE – What are you doing?
SEAN THE MOTORCYCLE – What? Nothing! It’s just that motorcycle facts are the best vehicle facts! Did you know eight motorcycles can fit into one parking space?!
MCSTEELE – Please stop.

McSteele reaches the top of the mountain. Dr. Killgar stands next to his doomsday device.

DR. KILLGAR – McSteele! You’ve come to stop me, eh?! Well you’re too late!
MCSTEELE – That’s what you think, Killga — Sara?

McSteele notices a hang glider to the left of Killgar.

SARA THE HANG GLIDER – Yeah, hey. Heard you needed to get to the top of a mountain and didn’t come and find me, a flying hang glider.
MCSTEELE – I was in a rush.
SARA THE HANG GLIDER – Cool. Well I’ve been hanging out for about forty minutes just to show how much faster I coulda got you here.
MCSTEELE – You’ve been here for forty minutes?
DR. KILLGAR – She has. We’ve been chatting. Her sister isn’t using her degree in interior design. Her parents don’t know what to do.
MCSTEELE – Shut up.
SARA THE HANG GLIDER – So maybe next time you need to get to the top of a mountain, you’ll take someone who can fly over some lame ass two-wheeler.
SEAN THE MOTORCYCLE – Buzz off you glorified kite!
SARA THE HANG GLIDER – Eat dirt you mid-life crisis pacifier!
SEAN THE MOTORCYCLE – You superhero-less cape!
SARA THE HANG GLIDER – You unicycle with training wheels!

Sean and Sara continue to fight as Killgar leans in toward McSteele.

DR. KILLGAR – Hey, if it’s cool with you, I’m gonna jet. This is not how I pictured destroying the world. Pick this up later?
MCSTEELE – Yeah, sorry, sounds good. I try to get them to cooperate but, you know, too many talking…
DR. KILLGAR – …too many talking vehicles. Yeah, I know.

Killgar hops on a futuristic hoverboard.

MCSTEELE – Hey, cool hoverboard. Ya know, I could program that thing to talk for ya, if you’d like.
DR. KILLGAR – No. No, thanks.

Killgar glides away.

INT. SECRET LAIR – DAY

McSteele is back in his lair. He receives a transmission.

SPECIAL AGENT ZERO – McSteele. There’s an evil maniac at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. You need to get there ASAP.
MCSTEELE – I’m on my way! But how?

McSteele gets another transmission.

RYAN THE CONDOLA – McSteele? This is Ryan the Condola. Have you considered me?
MCSTEELE – Ryan, you’re a condola I bought for my holidays in Venice! How can you help me get to the bottom of the Grand Canyon?
RYAN THE CONDOLA – Maybe, and hear me out, this bad guy will get a sudden urge for tiramisu?

McSteele looks to the camera as credits roll.

Too Many Talking Vehicles was of course cancelled after its first episode and no one involved with the show ever worked in television again. Except for Gary the Walking Stick who would later costar with Hugh Laurie in the popular FOX series House .

Written by Eric Branscum

Eric Branscum

Eric Branscum is a writer for children’s animation, been published in the print humor magazine The American Bystander and home brews beer.

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