originals
A Timeline of the Development of the Modern Democracy
- 1294 B.C.E. – Egyptian scribes break the first-ever political sex scandal with the discovery that Pharoah Seti the First had only one wife.
- 4 B.C.E. – After the highly negative reception of the Old Testament, God is voted out of office and replaced with a mellower counterpart less likely to murder people for wearing pants made of the wrong fabric.
- 105– Chinese eunuch Cai Lun invents the first paper in the form of a “Free Tibet” bumper sticker.
- 257 – Rome lets early Christians choose whether they’d prefer to be sawed in half horizontally or vertically.
- 982 – Erik the Red spins the first political catastrophe by naming his frigid new colony “Greenland” and his Viking marauders “lobbyists.”
- 1215 – The Archbishop of Canterbury drafts the Magna Carta, an early constitution guaranteeing citizens the inalienable right to authoritatively quote a document they’ve never read.
- 1520 –Moctezuma II receives a fatal wound at the hands of Hernan Cortés and loses control of the Aztec Empire. With his dying breath, Moctezuma politely asks for a recount.
- 1692 – Twenty people are executed in Salem, Massachusetts on charges of witchcraft, forming a harmonious relationship between the law and women’s health for centuries to come.
- 1863 – President Abraham Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation. Confederate sympathizers complain that he brings race into everything.
- 2015 – “Southern Biscuits and Gravy” potato chips win Lay’s “Do Us a Flavor” competition, marking the last good decision ever made via national election.
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Dan Fitzpatrick is a writer and comedian based in New York City. His work has also appeared in Above Average and Splitsider, and he produces the monthly stand-up show Divine Comedy at Two Saints. Overall, most folks would say Dan is doing pretty darn well, despite the fact that he was held back in preschool.
