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It’s Time to Meet the 2017 RNC Babies!

What do you get when you mix $7 Bud Lights with 50,000 pro-life out-of-towners? The 2017 RNC baby season! Last year, as thousands of Republican delegates gathered in Cleveland to officially declare Crimea property of the Russian state, the sexual tension became untenable. The local Chili’s oozed with so many pheromones, it became hard to breathe; the hot tub at the Ramada Inn became a watery grave for abandoned one-piece swimsuits; the right to lay bare was not to be infringed.  
Now, nine months later, we finally get to welcome these wonderful miracles into the world. It’s my pleasure to introduce you to the 2017 RNC babies!
 
  Screen Shot 2017-04-03 at 9.48.03 AMBub
I’ll be damned if he isn’t just a big slice of heaven! Bub has already made a significant impact in his parents’ lives as a valuable custody pawn in a “Lock That Bitch Up” T-shirt profit dispute.

 


 

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    Cancer Face
This adorable lil’ munchkin follows in the old Arkansas tradition of naming one’s child after your grandmother’s cause of death and your dad’s most recognizable feature following his fireworks accident.
 

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    Ricky, Pyro, Bristol, Beauregard, Dorothy, and Cancer Face
Man, when that Benghazi mom bared her soul to the world, this mom’s ovaries became as fertile as the Iowan soil. These godly treasures are so sweet, it’s almost exploitive to show them to you!
 

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    Abezethibou
This cross-dimensional offspring is so cute as to steal your soul! Abezethibou made it into the mortal plane when Mike Pence accidentally spilled his seed outside his darkened room of shame.
 

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    Travis
It’s the curse of every parent to have their children rebel against them. For rural West Virginian residents, Jason and Sussie Pigg, the universe really showed its playful side. Their child, Travis is a fully grown, overeducated and underemployed, urban hipster who just can’t get enough fucking almond milk.

Written by Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer, poet, and comic (in ascending order of his father’s disappointment). His work has been featured in Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol. II. He lives in San Diego, CA.

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