Originals

The Crossword Couple!

NOTE TO READERS:
“The Crossword Couple,” Eric and Colleen Belknap, are currently in the process of dissolving their 15-year marriage. By mutual agreement of their lawyers, they are continuing to co-author this syndicated newspaper feature, albeit under duress. Please bear that in mind as you read these clues. Thank you.

ACROSS (His Side)
1. “A Nightmare on ___ Street” was nothing compared to my marriage to Colleen.
4. I regret the day I ever ___ you, Colleen.
7. Watch those carbs, Colleen. You’re turning into a fat ___.
10. The only side of any argument Colleen believes can exist.
12. I’m divorcing Colleen ____ ugly rumors of infidelity.
14. Joyous was I, ___ I met Colleen. (poetic)
15. The kind of loser Colleen was at Monopoly.
16. Your Etsy store is second ____ at best, Colleen.
17. Plumber with whom I suspect Colleen was having an affair.
18. I wouldn’t get back together with you on _____, Colleen. Do you hear me? (two words)
20. Soul singer Redding, whose music helps me forget Colleen.
22. I’ll be considerably _____ when Colleen is out of my life.
24. Colleen took my heart and flushed it down the ___. (British)
25. It seems like my marriage to Colleen lasted an ___.
26. Funny how my love for Colleen could ________ overnight.
31. Colleen probably thinks “How Great ____ Art” is about her!
33. Cupid’s ___ must have been off when he paired me with Colleen.
34. The chances of anyone finding happiness with Colleen are ____ to none.
35. I should have __________ a shrink before marrying Colleen.
36. Can you prove Colleen didn’t sleep with rapper ___-One while on spring break in the 1990s?
 

DOWN (Her Side)
1. Bored reactions Eric’s stories usually generate.
2. “Seinfeld” character Eric was still imitating at parties, years after that show ended.
3. Monthly recurring revenue, the only thing keeping my marriage with Eric together. (abbrev.)
4. There will be plenty of _________ witnesses at our divorce hearing, Eric. Watch your back.
5. Eric would ____ the strangest noises when he slept. I’m just saying.
6. I won’t let you ___ me down anymore, Eric.
7. Eric was so goddamned cheap, he would begrudge me even a simple mani-____.
8. Thank god Eric and I had separate ____.
9. Millennial, my ass! You’re a ___-X’er and you know it, Eric.
11. Actor Connery, about whom I would fantasize to get through sex with Eric.
13. You think my tits are starting to _____, Eric? How about that pathetic, useless dick of yours?
19. Eric was always lousy in ___.
21. I caught Eric trying on one of my ___ not long ago. Really, what was that about?
22. Artsy New York neighborhood I might move to after ditching Eric.
23. Between you and me, Eric belongs in Al-____ for his drinking.
24. Is there anyone as ____ as Eric? No. No, there is not.
25. I’m leaving Eric because of his spinelessness, selfishness, bitterness, ___.
27. Eric treated me like a dog. “Roll over! ___! Fetch!” Mostly I played dead.
28. Eric has the grace of an ___ on the dance floor.
29. Most of what Eric says is just hot ___.
30. It was a bad sign when Eric and I got separate ___ on our honeymoon. (abbrev.)
32. The most miserable couple in history, as Eric well knows.
crosswords (1)

Written by Joe Blevins

Joe Blevins

Originally from Flint, MI, but now making his home in the suburbs of Chicago, Joe Blevins is a self-described darkener of doorsteps and a chronicler of all things that truly do not matter. Of late, he has been wasting the time of readers through The A.V. Club, Splitsider, and his own blog, Dead 2 Rights, which used to be about zombies before those became a cliche. Now it’s about god knows what.

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