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Thank You For Considering My Application To Be The Next Dalai Lama

Esteemed High Lamas and Lay Members of the Reincarnation Search Committee:

 

Thank you very much for considering my application to be the 15th Dalai Lama. I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to meet with me last week at your offices in Himachal Pradesh. Your hospitality was beyond gracious. I will always remember with gratitude the willingness of the committee to lend me a pair of yak-hair thermals, which I am returning herewith, and I promise, should it be determined that I am in fact the next reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of Compassion, to better familiarize myself with the climate of the Tibetan Plateau—inasmuch as I presume I would be expected to relocate there.

 

I hope you found our in-person meeting to be as enjoyable and informative as I did. I came away with a much greater understanding of the centuries-old so-called “master plan” to guide and protect the Tibetan people, which includes the establishment of the Dalai Lama theocracy in Tibet—as well as what, exactly, “Tibet” is and why it sponsors so many rock festivals in the United States.

 

You mentioned that you’re looking for someone with “people skills,” and I could not agree more that the spiritual head of a branch of a religion with between 10 and 20 million followers worldwide should be able to “relate” to as many of them as possible. To that point, I just want to reiterate that in college I was a member of an improvisational comedy troupe, and if you’ve ever done improv you’ll know that listening is key. If you are unable—or, worse, unwilling—to hear the suggestions of those around you, you will not succeed. I imagine it is very much the same for the Dalai Lama.

 

I also want to assure the committee that I do not see the position of Dalai Lama as a mere punch-the-clock, 9-5 job. Rather, I would live and breathe the teachings of the texts and commentaries of the Tibetan Buddhist canon for as long as I live and breathe (and then further, after my mindstream has been transferred to my own yangsi once I stop living and breathing). I also wish to clarify a comment that I made during my interview which I fear might have been misconstrued as disrespectful: When I asked whether the monks of the “Yellow Hat” school of Tibetan Buddhism were inspired by those books about a monkey and a man in a yellow hat, or vice versa, I was merely attempting to lighten the mood of my interview. I meant no offense.

 

Finally, I realize that it can take a reincarnation committee several years to identify a successor to the position of Avalokiteśvara, and I appreciate fully that the process must not be rushed. Moreover, I am aware that the 14th Dalai Lama is still very much alive and that the committee is at this point only in the exploratory phase of the process. That said—and of course I wish nothing but health and happiness for His Holiness—I would be grateful to learn something before June 30, which is the end of the next New York State health insurance open enrollment period.

 

Again, thank you for considering me for this exciting opportunity. Please feel free to call me if you need any additional information, have any questions, or would like to offer me the job! I will look forward to hearing from you.

 

Sincerely,

Matthew David Brozik

 

Enclosure: Thermal underwear

 

Bcc: Christine Thompson, Dynasty Recruiting

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Written by Matthew David Brozik

Matthew David Brozik

Matthew David Brozik is the author of Danger… With a Hard G and Whimsy & Soda (among other books) as well as numerous (mercifully) short pieces of humor and fiction. The Internet is literally lousy with his work. Follow him on Twitter but plan to be (sorely) disappointed.

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