How To Tell If You’re Allowed In The White House Press Briefing Room

Your paper has plenty of gratis full-page ads for Ivanka’s sassy line of products.

Glenn McCoy’s political cartoons take up every square inch of your comics section.

You’ve managed to convince both of your teenage daughters to have their abortions reversed.

The only trans that your paper mentions are the Trans Ams in the automotive classified section.

Your Dear Abby column has been replace by Dear Kellyanne.

You honestly believe, and have the polygraph to prove it, that Sean Spicer isn’t a dead-eyed, spineless, heartless douchebag.

You work for an news network that will go unnamed here, but rhymes with “cocks”.

You believe that gay people shouldn’t get married, but also that people shouldn’t have sex until after marriage.

Your definition of “glory” applies to both your strongly held religious beliefs, as well as to the grimy hole that you drunkenly stuff your penis into more evenings than not.

Every time you walk into the press briefing room, the pentagram tattooed onto your chest begins to throb and pulse warmly.

Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….