Tippy the Tortoise | Florida: Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he has been plagued by financial troubles: he has sired thousands of children and his exes are all extremely litigious.

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!

Build it back stronger. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

I'll bite your ankles! Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

Just get in the F#cking boat. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Mayor Pete: Oof, wow! Mayor Pete? Why would I want a President who looks like a ventriloquist doll and a serial killer had a baby, am I right?!?

Mahalo, friends. Does the current political climate have you…

Let's speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

Honor our fallen soldiers by eating mayonnaise-based “salads” that have been sitting in the sun all day. And more.

This is not the America that we were promised--the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.

“I don’t really like cheeseburgers. It’s fake news. I’m losing weight and am down to 175 pounds, clearly you can see that.”

June 23, 2017 – Camp Pendleton, CA Dear Mom, Today,…