Hold it til after Uranus. Today's cartoon by Lance Risseeuw.

I understand the grief many of you might feel now that you know the truth about Michael. Some of you loved him. Others despised him. But please, accept this: there is no “Mike Pence.” Michael was never real...

Too bad everyone else picked it too. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

When your scientists discovered that each person we beam aboard our ships allows us to become stronger, the so-called “patriots” dug their heels in and vehemently declined protection. Despite the knowledge that being beamed aboard our ships could result in serious illness, severe probing, or death, they wanted nothing to do with the serum. Even when those we abducted were released back to earth and repented, urging anyone who was not yet protected to get the serum, they said, “I’d rather take my chances with the aliens than your newfangled potions.”

I know that many of you have been severely worried about what has been happening in your home, the commercial starship Nostromo. With the recent and prolonged attack from the alien that popped out of Kane, we know there is a real sense of worry about becoming impregnated and/or mutilated by said alien. Which is why we are messaging you today to update you on the state of the Nostromo and relieve some of those misguided fears.

Let's circle back. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.