Posts

An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, “Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!”

Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That’s 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don’t have to be a genius to know that’s not going to smell like potpourri. 

I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation to Beef

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

An Open Letter to my 5K Training App

Dear 5K Training App, I feel guilty about the way I handled…

An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine's Day

Dear Roxanne,   It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s…