Posts

This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.

Doesn’t My Stupid Ass Grandma Know About Inflation?

Despite my Grandma’s success, everlasting legacy, and laundry list of accomplishments, her dumbass has been ignoring the fundamentals of economic inflation and giving me the same $20 dollar check for my birthday since I was six years old. And it’s time she got put on blast for it. 

The Best Goddamned Surprise 30th Birthday Party Ever

Katie, I swear, you must be the village idiot.  I know you would never park your car right in front of a SURPRISE party, now would you? Did you not think Karen wouldn’t recognize your SEXYGRL license plate and wonder what you are doing here?

Facebook Birthday Messages From Famous Authors

Dr. Seuss: Today you were born! Don’t look so forlorn! At least you don’t have kids who could find your weird porn.

Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!

This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would…