This Non-disclosure Agreement by and between Stormy Daniels, of Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre and the F.A.M.E. Awards Favorite Breasts, and Donald J. Trump, of The Apprentice and Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate 2000.
Mr. Trump has requested that Ms. Daniels will protect the confidential material and information that was shared between them at the 2006 Lake Tahoe Celebrity Golf Tournament, their business casual meal together in his hotel room and during the dozens of visits they made together to Cirque du Soleil and Mind of Mencia tapings. Therefore, the parties agree as follows:
I. CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION. The term “Confidential Information” means any information or material which is proprietary to Mr. Trump, whether that be the size of his incredible genitalia or his vast wealth. Definitely don’t tell anyone about that, especially Maggie Haberman of the New York Times (firstname.lastname@example.org). Regardless of whether specifically identified as confidential or proprietary, Confidential Information shall include any information provided by Mr. Trump concerning the business, information and pending Von Dutch endorsements of Mr. Trump and any third party with which Mr. Trump deals, including, without limitation, business records and plans, trade secrets, the hottest ways to eat peanut butter off one’s own belly, product ideas, contracts, nuanced opinions on when Vanity Fair really started going downhill, copyrights and intellectual property, sales leads, damning photos of the head of NBC, strategic alliances, partners, and lawn jockey collections. The nature of the information and the manner of disclosure are such that a reasonable person would understand it to be confidential.
A. “Confidential Information” does not include:
– matters of public knowledge that result from disclosure by Mr. Trump;
– how beautiful or successful Mr. Trump’s daughter is (the good one)
– the deliciousness and affordability of Trump steaks;
and any other information that both parties agree in writing is not confidential.
II. PROTECTION OF CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION. In consideration for the receipt by Ms. Daniels of the Confidential Information, Ms. Daniels agrees as follows:
- No Disclosure. Ms. Daniels will not disclose the Confidential Information to any person without the prior written consent of Mr. Trump. The only people exempt from this provision are Sean Hannity and Billy Bush.
- Application to Employees. Ms. Daniels shall not disclose any Confidential Information to any employees of Donald Trump, except for Mr. Trump’s erotica biographer, Al Goldstein Jr. and a very sweaty Reince Priebus.
III. NON-CIRCUMVENTION. Ms. Daniels will not attempt to do business with, or otherwise solicit any business contacts found or otherwise referred by Mr. Trump, which will become obvious if the Mercer family funds a film for Ms. Daniels to star in called Means Test Me Until I Breitbart All Over or if she suddenly starts appearing at events with David Duke.
IV. LIMITED LICENSE TO USE. Ms. Daniels acknowledges that the Confidential Information is the property of Mr. Trump, and if Ms. Daniels wants to produce a Celebrity Apprentice adult parody video, Mr. Trump must be allowed one signed copy on DVD and a tasteful cameo.
V. INDEMNITY. Each party agrees to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless the other party and use the phrase “The best I ever had!” no less than 6 times in any print or broadcast interview. If the use of that phrase goes beyond 9 times it will look ridiculous and made up so try to use your best discretion.
VI. ATTORNEY’S FEES. If either party is unable to afford attorney fees, just wait for the new tax code to kick in and that should free up an extra $300 or so. Just don’t plan on taking public transportation or roads to the courthouse to pay it.
VII. TERM. The obligations of this Agreement shall survive 10 years from the Effective Date or until Mr. Trump sends Ms. Daniels written notice releasing her from this Agreement and/or a job offer for Secretary of Education. After that, Ms. Daniels must continue to protect the Confidential Information that was received during the term of this Agreement from unauthorized use or disclosure indefinitely unless it appears in her memoirs in a chapter titled “Victories and Riding High On The Hog.”
VIII. GENERAL PROVISIONS. If any provision of this Agreement is held to be in invalid, illegal or unenforceable, all articles about said Confidential Information must contain the phrases “Damn!” “Heard that!” or “Thank You, Ma’am” somewhere in the title.
IX. SIGNATORIES. This Agreement shall be executed by Jared Kushner and Mark Burnett and delivered in the manner prescribed by law as of the date first written above.
DONALD J. JUMP: