With a full list of questions regarding Kevin Spacey in general, and in particular the upcoming film All The Money In The World, we recently sat down with Motion Picture Association Of America President Chris Dodd. When he got up and quickly left, we decided to instead ask the waiter at his table about the Kevin Spacey allegations, and their repercussions on the film industry.
Waiter: Hey, um… were you sitting here before?
Weekly Humorist: Hi there, I’m from…
Waiter: … hey, what are you doing? Are you taking my tip?
Weekly Humorist: What? No! I was just holding it for you. Until you came back. Here.
Waiter: Whatever. You need to get out of here before I call a manager. They need to get this table cleaned up.
Weekly Humorist: Sure, sure… can we just ask you a few questions about the guys you were just waiting on, in particular MPAA President Chris Dodd? They were meeting about Spacey, right?
Waiter: Look, I have no idea, man. Can you just leave?
Weekly Humorist: We’re just wondering, now that portions of that new Ridley Scott movie are being reshot to remove Spacey from the film… what’s next? What is Hollywood’s next move regarding Spacey? Here, I’ll give you back more of your tip that I was holding onto for you.
Waiter: What… you asshole! Alright, um… he did mention that there’s going to be a new rating system created, for older movies that star Kevin Spacey. I think that he said it’s going to be called… PG-13, I think?
Weekly Humorist: But… isn’t there already a PG-13 rating?
Waiter: Yeah, but… he said that this version will replace the old PG-13. This new rating indicates Pervy Groping of a 13 year old. Not in the movie necessarily, but probably on the set at some point.
Weekly Humorist: Ah, I see. Okay, what else?
Waiter: Can you just go now? Please? My manager is giving me some really weird looks.
Weekly Humorist: Sure, absolutely. In a minute. Look, here… wouldn’t you like your nice watch back?
Waiter: Hey, you piece of shit!
Weekly Humorist: Aw, c’mon now… look at how it twinkles in the light…
Waiter: Dammit. Okay, um… they did mention that, in addition to the new Ridley Scott movie, Spacey will more than likely be edited out of and replaced by another actor in most of his family’s old home movies. Probably by someone with a bit more hair, they said.
Weekly Humorist: Thanks man, this is great stuff…. anything else?
Waiter: No, and… look, just go, okay? You’ve already eaten most of the leftover food from the plates… you just need to leave.
Weekly Humorist: “… and just like that… he’s gone. After that, my guess is you’ll never hear from him again….”
Weekly Humorist: That’s a quote from The Usual Suspects. It’s referring to Kaiser Soze, but it sort of applies to Kevin Spacey now, dontcha think?
Waiter: Look, I don’t know, I don’t care… just fuck off, okay? Shit… were did I put my tips?