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Some Recent Bill Murray Sightings

Ellen Delacroix. Chapel Hill, NC.

One afternoon I went into the Arby’s around the corner from my office for a quick lunch and saw Bill Murray manning the cash register. I was sure it was part of some kind of prank show or something. He asked me for my order, but I kept looking around for the cameras and asking him what he was doing working in an Arby’s. I guess he got frustrated with me, because all of a sudden he snapped, “Lady, are you here to eat or flap your damn gums?”

The manager rushed over to apologize. She took my order herself and then told Bill Murray she needed to talk to him in her office.

They were back there for a while. I finished my meal and left, and they still hadn’t come out. I never saw Bill Murray in that Arby’s again. I hope I didn’t get him fired.

 


Dr. Grace Otte. San Diego, CA.

My ex-boyfriend was about to board a flight to Beijing and I was desperate to get to the airport so I could plead with him to stay and give our relationship another chance. I spotted a cab and waved it down but before I could get in, Bill Murray slid past me and nabbed it.

I begged him to give me the car. I tried explaining the situation, but he cut me off. “If you can answer a riddle, you can have the cab,” he said. “But if I stump you, you wait for the next one. Deal?”

I’ve always been good at riddles, so I figured playing along would go faster than waiting for another taxi to come along. I agreed. Bill Murray furrowed his brow, like he was concentrating really hard. He said, “Okay. I think the best way to do this is start at the end and work backwards. Like, take the word ‘highway’ and come up with different associations and ways of saying the word and let the rest flow from that.”

He paused. I was confused. “Is that the riddle?” I asked.

“No,” Bill Murray said. “I don’t know any riddles, so I’m coming up with one. Damn, I guess I gave away that the answer would be ‘highway,’ huh? Let me start over.”

The love of my life was boarding a plane to China and Bill Murray was playing some crazy game with me on the street! I started crying. Bill Murray said, “Okay, how about you tell me a riddle instead. If it’s a stumper I’ll give you the car and I’ll even pay for your ride.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked.

Bill Murray said, “Because I don’t think Tony is right for you.”

Tony is my ex-boyfriend’s name.

Then, before I could get another word out, he said, “That was a terrible riddle,” and slammed the car door, and the cab peeled off down the road.


Miles Nixon, New York City

 In July I adopted a pit bull from the SPCA. The dog was sweet, but prone to melancholy, and I could never figure out why. I gave him treats, a nice bed, plenty of toys. We went to the park almost every day…

One morning at the park this beautiful woman came over and started fawning all over him, making such a big deal.  She gave him a big wet kiss on the tip of his nose and as soon as she did there was this flash of bright light and when it faded the dog was gone, replaced by Bill Murray. He looked at me and said, “Never cheat on a witch with her sister,” then asked the woman if she wanted to go get a drink. They walked off arm in arm and right as they rounded the corner Bill turned back to me and yelled, “I threw up under the armoire in the dining room, I’ll send a check to cover the carpet cleaning.”

 I’m still waiting for that check.


Brian Driver. New Haven, CT

A few months ago I was in this shoe store hunting for a super rare sneaker, and I’m going up and down the aisles looking when suddenly Bill Murray pops out from nowhere and goes, “Hey, if you meet me in a dream it counts as really meeting me in real life!”

I was like, “But I’m meeting you in real life right now!”

Bill Murray just winked. It struck me that maybe I was dreaming. Maybe I was actually asleep and not meeting Bill Murray at all. I thought, if this is a dream I’ll probably wake up right now. But then I didn’t wake up. Which means it either wasn’t a dream, or this still is one.


Marisol Vasquez. Newport News, VA

I bought a quail egg at the market and put it in my parakeet Ruth’s cage to see what would happen. Ruth loved it, treated it like her own and sat on it to keep it warm, which was actually a little sad since the egg was never going to hatch.

About a week later I woke up in the middle of the night to Ruth screaming, and when I went to check on her I saw that the egg had hatched! There was a little quail chick sitting there at the bottom of the cage with a slip of paper, like from a fortune cookie, in its beak. I took the slip of paper from the chick and saw that someone had written, ‘Look behind you!’ on it. I turned around and sitting at my kitchen table, drinking a glass of milk, is Brian Doyle-Murray.

Like an idiot the first thing out of my mouth was “Where’s Bill?” and Brian’s face just sank—he looked so, so upset. I tried to make it up to him by telling him I love “Caddyshack,” but the damage was done. He slunk outside and got in the backseat of this Cadillac waiting by the curb. The car sat there for a minute and then the driver’s door opened and Bill Murray hopped out, fuming mad.  “Hell of a way to treat a guy on his birthday!” he screamed. “Real classy!”

 I tried to apologize but he wouldn’t listen. He got back in the car and peeled off down the street. When I went back into the house, Ruth had eaten the quail chick.


 

Written by Tom Batten

Tom Batten

Tom Batten has written for The Guardian, McSweeney’s, The New Yorker, and more. He lives in Virginia.

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