News Briefs

Smithsonian Institute Proves George Washington Wore Wooden Pants


WASHINGTON, D.C.  –   Stories have abounded for years about George Washington’s fabled wooden teeth, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth.  Now GNN finds out what he actually wore was wooden pants!

It has since been proven that he never had wooden teeth, they were actually animals teeth embedded in vulcanite. However, scientists at The Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C. claim

to have unearthed proof that the first President of our country actually wore wooden pants.  Here are the facts as we discovered them. George Washington was born at 10 o’clock in the morning, on February 22, 1732 into a dirt poor family in Westmoreland County, Virginia.

He was the first born, but later wound up with a younger sister, and three younger brothers.

George’s father Augustine was chronically unemployed, and the family was so destitute that George’s first diapers were made out of bark.  It was all they could afford.

As he got older, the family’s financial situation did not improve much, and in order to try and save some money, George’s father , a talented carpenter, carved most of little George’s clothing out of wood.

George’s wooden pants gave him a stiff kind of walk that lasted all of his life.

As a young boy, getting ready for school in the morning, he would have to climb up on a chair, and jump into his pants.  The other children made fun of him.

One of the most embarrassing moments for young George came one morning when he was late for school.  As he ran into the wooden school house, his legs accidentally rubbed together, causing a spark that set fire to his school and nearly burned down the entire schoolhouse.

Some say that George never got over that, and being the laughing stock of the town actually gave him the incentive to become the first President of the United States.

Strangely enough, as much as he hated his wooden pants as a young man, he eventually grew to like them as an adult, as he found out later on that when he wore his wooden pants, he could drink as much as he wanted, and he would never fall down.

His penchant for wooden pants stayed with him throughout his entire life, and knowing that helps make sense of a couple of historical facts.

When George Washington chopped down that cherry tree, he wasn’t being mischievous, as was commonly believed.  He was just trying to get softer wood for his pants.

Cherry wood is acknowledged for being much softer than mahogany, which is what he had been wearing.   In his earlier years, he suffered a lot from splinters in the crotch, which often put him in a bad mood, until he finally learned to sand down his pants before wearing them.

His wooden pants are actually credited with saving his life.  One time his boat capsized in a storm and George was able to float comfortably on his back while his men held on to his wooden pants until help arrived.

In the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, many historians had always wondered why Washington was depicted as standing up in the boat.   Now we know why, … he was wearing his brand new wooden pants, and it’s not that easy to sit down in wooden pants.

Written by Jeffrey Gurian

Jeffrey Gurian

Jeffrey’s a comic and comedy writer who’s written for comedy legends such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, George Wallace, Phil Hartman, Richard Belzer, and Andrew “Dice” Clay, among many others. Jeffrey has performed stand-up at most of the big clubs in NY and L.A. and is known for being a regular on-air personality on Sirius XM’s Bennington Show. He writes a weekly column covering the comedy scene for The Interrobang called “Jumping Around with Jeffrey Gurian”, and has also written for MTV, National Lampoon, and many Friars Roasts. His Comedy Matters TV channel boasts over 450 video interviews with A-listers like Jimmy Fallon, Jim Carrey, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and even women NOT named Amy. His crowning achievement was getting his own column in the legendary Weekly World News called “ Gurian’s World of the Bizarre” which led to the creation of GNN (Gurian News Network) bringing you the most unusual stories in The Universe, missed by mainstream media.