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Signs That You’re At A Terrible New Year’s Eve Party

Your mom makes you go to bed right after it turns midnight.


The party consists of a bunch of alcoholics drinking sparkling grape juice and playing board games, meanwhile you haven’t even earned your six month chip yet and were hoping to fall off the wagon and make a series of escalating bad choices.


There are no lips to kiss at midnight, as you’ve chosen to have your party in the burn ward of your local hospital.


The queso has a thin glaze of hardened rubbery cheese over it’s surface, as does your date for the evening.


People are allowed to bring kids to the party, which is being held at Roy Moore’s home.


There’s only one bathroom, and it’s being used by someone’s grandpa to take a bath.


When you yell out “Happy New Year!!”, it seems to really startle and irritate the guy mopping the floor at Burger King.


It’s one of those underground fight club type of deals, which means that the snacks are all sub-par, and no one wants to kiss at midnight, as their faces are all puffy and sore.


It costs $20 to get into the party, and then $40 to get out (Matt Lauer’s party only).


Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….

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