Originals

Sean Spicer: Hollywood Wunderkind

“You can do this. We’ve all taken jobs we aren’t proud of,” Sean Spicer thought as he stood behind his beloved podium. “How many people in this room got their start by making soft-core porn that Ted Cruz wouldn’t even waste time viewing?” 

Only nine months prior Spicer stood behind a similar podium, lying to the American people about crowd size. Now, here he was at the Primetime Emmy Awards, about to repeat the same lie: “This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys. PERIOD. Both in this room and around the world!” Nailed it, just as he had done after the inauguration. Listen to the laughter, the applause—this was the biggest night of his life and the start of a whole new career. 

Sure, there was some immediate kickback to his appearance. Folks went wild on Twitter, but none of those folks were producing Young Sheldon. With the perfect delivery of a well-rehearsed line, Spicer proved himself the most talented person in the room. 

Months later, Spicer would be staring in the mirror. “You’ve got this, Sean!” he shouted at his reflection before eating an entire pack of cinnamon gum. His reflection stared back at him, chewing gum and trying her hardest not to break character. Audiences go nuts when people do sketches with their impersonators, and the crowd in Studio 8H did just that. Lorne Michaels was wise to approach Spicer after his Emmys performance and ask him to host Saturday Night Live. With Melissa McCarthy playing Sean Spicer across from the man himself, the episode would be ratings dynamite. President Trump, the show’s most faithful viewer, offered nothing but praise, tweeting, “Spicer on SNL a hit and ratings SMASH! Always knew he would be a star with better comedic chops than whiny Alec Baldwin. VERY FUNNY.” This couldn’t have come at a better time, with Spicer’s feature film debut premiering the following week. 

Here Comes The Boom 2: Boom BoomTown would star Spicer as a retired lawyer, looking for a way to earn some side money when his wife reveals that she is pregnant with their sixth child. Kevin James, reprising his role from Here Comes The Boom, brings Spicer in to join the middle-aged fight club. Despite another success at the box office, reviewers were not kind to the film; many referred to Here Comes The Boom 2 as a “one-note comedy” with Sean Spicer and Kevin James playing essentially the same role. The most cutting was a review from the New York Times, stating there was no need for Spicer in Hollywood as James was actively filling the only roles that Spicer would fit. Spicer could have retired comfortably on the $10 million he made from the film, but he caught a taste of fame and wanted more. 

Audiences thought they had seen the last of Spicer until the summer of 2019 when Kevin James mysteriously disappeared. After failing to appear for three consecutive tapings of Kevin Can Wait, a national search began for the missing actor. Behind schedule and without someone to play the role of Kevin Gable, the producers of Kevin Can Wait reached out to Sean Spicer. An anonymous insider claims that he eagerly accepted the role, behaving as if he had expected the call. 

From the moment he stepped onto the soundstage, Spicer was a hit and readily accepted by fans as the new Kevin Gable. “It was a welcome relief to know that Kevin’s story would be told with or without Kevin James,” said Devin Clearman, president of the Kevin Can Wait Fan Club. After two seasons, audiences began to forget about Kevin James altogether. By 2020 CBS had digitally replaced James from reruns. Over the next five years, Spicer would not only continue to star in Kevin Can Wait, but complete the Paul Blart saga, make several guest appearances on Young Sheldon and pair with Adam Sandler to make eight new Grown Ups films. 

Spicer’s luck would shift on August 24, 2027, when a routine search of the La Brea Tar Pits revealed the perfectly preserved corpse of Kevin James in the muck. Autopsies showed he sustained injuries almost identical to those shown in the final fight of Here Comes The Boom 2. Investigators were quick to make a case, and within a week Spicer was arrested for the murder of Kevin James. 

In the end, moviegoers were the real winners, as the accusations didn’t stick. While on trial Spicer denied any involvement in the murder with the same conviction he once had while denying Hitler’s use of gas chambers at “concentration centers.” The jury would find Spicer innocent, setting him free to star in his much anticipated one man show, Spice Rack: How a Shelved Communications Director Became a Star.

To this day, the murder of Kevin James remains unsolved. 

Written by Kevin Cole

Kevin Cole

Kevin Cole is a comedy writer and satirist working out of Frederick, MD. He is the founder of The Annual, a different comedy website and most recently wrote the play Great Again which was performed at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre before it was plagiarized by reality. You can find his tweets @KevinDotCole.

Comments

comments