Originals

Pumpkin Spice Latte; A DEA Drug Fact Sheet

Autumn comes with shortening days, and associations with stressful holidays such as Thanksgiving and Veteran’s Day. Such stressors lead to anxiety and depression, and with that, abuse of drugs. With the carefree fun of Halloween, and the more insidious aspects of the creeping death of winter comes the scourge that is PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte), a ‘beverage’ sold on our cities’ street corners and in our suburban malls.

It is the intention of this fact sheet to clear up certain myths about this seasonal drug.

Street names
Rind (primarily Southeast), Puce, PSL, P-Spizz, Gourd Candy.

Looks Like
Masquerades as a common coffee beverage. The psychoactive chemical has a rust-like color that appears in high contrast against a background of a white, creamy substance. Advertised heavily on Pinterest boards.

Methods of Abuse
It is usually imbibed in beverage format. ‘Gourd rimmers’ only drink the upper third, leaving the heated beverage to cool, but because they are so addled the user forgets about the rest.
How to understand if your children are using ‘gourd candy’

As one can see from the list of street names above, teens use subterfuge to prevent their parents and loved ones from understanding their drug-addled conversations and texts. They will attempt to hide their addiction from you, but a cursory scan of their texts will show you what they’ve been doing.

Look out for phrases like ‘I got hella squashed yesterday.’ or ‘Wanna go see the Great Pumpkin?’ Great Pumpkin, or O GP, is a frequent nickname for purveyors of PSL. They occasionally mention Starbucks, but there is no reason to believe that PSL has anything to do with the national coffee chain from which I’m typing this fact sheet. In another bit of misdirection, teens will also refer to their dealer as the ‘yam man,’ which is quite absurd as everyone with rudimentary botany knowledge can assert that pumpkin is a squash from Cucurbitaceae, the gourd family, and yams are obviously a monocot from the Dioscoreaceae family.

Biochemical Makeup
PSL has been tested thoroughly and revealed to contain 40,583 grams of sugar, and an unverified amount of beef suet, fried chicken wings, ayahuasca, tincture of bison grease, and whale meat. Because of its high fat content, PSL was originally developed by Native American cultures not as a beverage, but to apply to their canoes to make them waterproof. PSL also contains nutmeg, a known carcinogen in Sebastopol, California. PSL is also used as a bio-diesel fuel in Norway. Dried residue from PSL will burn, emitting a bright orange flame, for several hours.

Common Places of Origin
Dealers of PSL often congregate in malls, and on city street corners, where it is sold out in the open in so-called ‘progressive cities.’

Effects on Mind
Gourd candy provides a brief period of acute wakefulness and hypomania, followed by coma-like symptoms that can last many hours. Children are particularly subject to its temptations as they attempt over and over again to achieve that initial mania, i.e. “chasing the tuber.”

Effects on Body
Lethargy, an increase in blood pressure. PSL congregates in lipid cells. It appears to be stored in the body for long periods at a time.

Overdose Effects
Vomiting. A sudden interest in gym membership. There have been no reported deaths by overdose, though continued use over long periods of time is linked to heart disease. Type 2 diabetics have been known to keel over and faint in the presence of PSL. Some abusers report that their body develops a sugary odor, and are prone to bear attacks.

Written by G. Xavier Robillard

G. Xavier Robillard is the author of “Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves,” and the upcoming novel “Deadfellas.”
He lives in Portland, Oregon

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