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Other Cringe-Worthy Lines From Trump’s Speech To The Boy Scouts

What is it you boys do?   You tie knots and so on, and get badges for it?   Let me tell you… no one ties bigger knots than me.    I’ve got this administration so tied up in knots…  Harry Houdini himself couldn’t get out of this bullshit.


I think that…  you’d have to go back many years, decades even.    But I seem to recall biting a Boy Scout once.   Not in battle, of course… simply to mark my territory.   This was many years ago, of course.    Back then, I had the body of a cricket, but a huge, majestic cricket.    I was a sight to see, boys.


So you boys, you like to walk old ladies across the street.   Is that right?   Noble.   Very noble.    May not be many old ladies left, sadly, when Trumpcare is unleashed upon the world.    They might not make it, which is sad.   But then, you have to look at it like…  well, now you can walk younger ladies across the street.   And they have plenty more fun stuff to grab.


Just look at this.   Look at this huge, amazing crowd.    Who could have imagined?   I could have, I suppose.    When was the last time a group this large gathered for something Boy Scout related?   For one of those trials, maybe?    Where one of you Troop Leaders had been touching the boys?    Sure, I’ll bet quite a few of you turned out for one of those.   But even still.   I mean, just look at this crowd!


Now this is kind of fun, did you know…  Did you boys know that I reproduce asexually?    It’s true!    Melania was quite relieved to hear that, I’ll have you know.   That was what sealed the deal, if I had to guess.   In fact, look…  here, I’ll show you.   (grimaces face tightly and begins to turn a shade of red, then purple, after a moment or two)  (lets out a loud gasp)   Okay, well…  I guess it’s not working right now.   I probably need to drain more life energy from this crowd.   But you’ll see.    There’s a lot of people here, I just need another few minutes or so.   You’ll see.


When I was a kid, we didn’t have the Boy Scouts.   Did we?   I mean, maybe we did?    My folks were in the Illuminati, which means that I was in the Illuminati.   So that kept me pretty busy.    It was kind of like the Scouts, though.    What do you guys do with the hair, ears and foreskin of the human sacrifices?


I guess that Obama never came to one of these Boy Scout Jamborees.   Right?   Did he?    Didn’t think so.    Too busy “running the country”.    Pffffft.    What a pussy.


It’s so odd…  funny, even.    When the “fake news” reports on this event, they’ll say that the crowds were very small, that I was crouched in front of the podium, pants in a moist ball on the stage, mock-humping the air with a crazed look in my eyes….  Which, okay, sure, I am doing right now.    But they’ll take it all out of context.   Everything is context, boys.


Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….

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