Bucket List for When You Think You Have 38 Minutes to Live Before a Ballistic Missile Strikes

Try to pull a tablecloth from underneath a set of dishes. Take…

A Revised Nightly Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray Bob Mueller my country to…

Top Selling Christian Rock Albums Since Trump’s Presidential Win

Turn The Orange Cheek Prayer Warriors Small Hands, Big…

Most Interesting Things Overheard During Trump's Physical

"Sorry for the five-hour wait, Mr. President." "That's OK, Doctor.…

Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump

"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…

Smithsonian Institute Proves George Washington Wore Wooden Pants

  WASHINGTON, D.C.  -   Stories have abounded for…

The Top 20 Bestselling British Porno Magazines

Keen Jugs Brilliant Fannies Tally Ho, Naked Ladies! Shag Fancy Cockney…

Trump Explains Why Countries Made His Shithole List

Albania "Voted against my homey Roy Moore." New Zealand  "Not…

White House Memo: Steve Bannon to Serve as Official 2018 Punxsutawney Groundhog

MEMORANDUM TO: Punxsutawney Groundhog Club FROM: Paul Ryan,…

More Surprising Revelations From Michael Wolff's Fire And Fury

Cover charge to get into the White House is waived if you arrive…

Trump’s Pay for Play Cabal

“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is…

Hey ‘80s and ‘90s Kids, Do You Remember These Defunct Mall Stores?

Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings In the ‘80s there was nothing…

Deepak Chopra's Greatest Hits (feat. Justin Bieber)

Proof that by adding “Baby, baby, baby, oh" to a Deepak Chopra…

The Really Serious Problems With Sex Robots

1) They're oftentimes yell out Sarah Conner's name during intercourse.   2) …

Baby New Year's Roast Of Father Time, 2017

Woo!   Hey everybody, how's it going?    I have to say... …

Signs That You're At A Terrible New Year's Eve Party

Your mom makes you go to bed right after it turns midnight. The…

Man With Infant's Head Sues For Discrimination

NEW YORK CITY – A major Wall Street firm is reeling from charges…

Other New Structures, Places And Things Named After Trump, Currently Under Construction

Just in time to swoop in and save his frail, trembling ego, Israel…

Some Recent Bill Murray Sightings

Ellen Delacroix. Chapel Hill, NC. One afternoon I went into…

Most Returned Christmas Gifts: 2017 Edition

Rapist! Harvey Weinstein's cologne for men (30% infused rose-water,…

Red Flags That Your American Facebook Group is Probably Run by a Russian Bot

The phrases in the posts and comments aren’t quite right: You…

The Real Reasons That Fans Are So Upset By The New Star Wars Movie

There is a disturbance in the Force.  Or perhaps its simply…

Santa Claus Arrested on 132 Million Counts of Breaking and Entering

Following a sting operation at a Los Angeles-area apartment complex,…

“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!

A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic…

List Of Illegal Moves In Chess

Castling after having earlier moved your king. Moving…

Man Slips On Pat Of Butter, Winds Up In Next Town

COLLINSVILLE, Illinois – When Wally Pavlicek decides to slip…

The GOP's Holiday Caroling Set List

Rudolph The Ineligible, Pre-Existing Condition Having Reindeer Baby,…

The Weekly Humorist Last Minute Christmas Gift Giving Guide

Moscow Mule Drink Set You know those popular copper cups that…

How the Trumps Botch Christmas

“It's Christmas at ground zero,
Now the missiles are on their…

Santa's Letters to Celebrities as Children

Hi Anthony, Thanks for the nice letter!   …

Penthouse Letters: Hollywood Edition

Dear Penthouse: This never happens to me. After our broadcast…

Creepy Guy With ‘Free Breast Exam’ T-Shirt Now Most Viable Women’s Health Option In Louisiana

The Louisiana Department of Health has released an official…

Quiz: George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV or CDC’s 7 Words/Phrases Forbidden By Trump Administration

/
1. vulnerable 2.piss 3 motherfucker 4. entitlement 5. cunt 6.…

LEAKED! Roy Moore's Eventual Concession Speech

Alright pilgrims, looks like it’s come to this: defeated by…

Holiday Carols for Mercury Retrograde

“I May or May Not Be Home for Christmas” I’ve been sitting…

The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" As told by: Dasher Okay, let…

Duck Dynasty crew to release Christmas CD “What Would Jesus Shoot?”

The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans…

News from the Even-Handed Gazette

(The ‘unbiased’ coverage our leaders have clamored…

A Few Things That You Need To Know About Net Neutrality

Under Net Neutrality, all women on YouPorn now look sort of like…

Exiting Brexit: 10 Ways For The UK To Offset Losses After Final Leaving E.U Negotiations

A Reverse Mortgage for Buckingham Palace Nothing will put a…

FOX Executives Discusses The Four

Fox Executive 1: Now this is exciting! A chance to remind people…

Tea Flavor Descriptions That Are Trying To Tell You Something

Classic Green Tea We pick the finest leaves from the highest…

Classic Rock for Domesticated Dads

(Don't Fear) The Swiffer  You Shook Me…

Why Trump wants to move the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem

Frees up prime real estate in Tel Aviv for developing Trump Kasino…

Office Christmas Party Rules That Reflect Current Sexual Harassment Concerns

No more placing the mistletoe above your crotch and referring…

Letters To Santa

Every year millions of children write letters to Santa, occasionally…

The Trump-Lincoln Ford’s Theater Luxury Casino

“They call you Lady Luck, But there is room for doubt, At…

5 Takeaways from The Christmas Classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”

Reindeer can be real a-holes. How else do you explain, “All…

New Turkey Stuffings To Keep Thanksgiving Interesting

A slightly larger turkey Creamed corn Avocado…

Stop Saying "Turkey Day" and Use One of These Other Thanksgiving Nicknames

The Great Cranberry Cotillion Carb Christmas Yelling…

Wait... Look, squirrel! and 7 Other Signs You Have Adult ADD

1: Wait... Look, squirrel! 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8:…

Recent Justice League Sexual Harassment Allegations

Super-powered individuals are placed on a pedestal in our society,…

Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory And 9 Other Examples Of Louis CK’s Favorite Things

Star Wars Character Hands Solo TV Show Masturbating…

11 Celebrity Dogs from TV & Film and How They Utilized Their Fame

• Benji (Benji, 1974): Worked as a canvasser for the Reagan…

Still Spacey After All These Years

  With a full list of questions regarding Kevin Spacey…

Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!

That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…

Implications of Twitter Giving Everyone 280 Characters

Forces Trump to wake up twice as early to maintain current tweetstorm…

Trump's Super Grand Asian Trip Itinerary

Nov 5: Spend half an hour explaining to the Asian press that…

Freeze Out: Captain Cold Booted From Legion Of Doom After Sexual Harassment Allegations

METROPOLIS -- Captain Cold, the supervillain known worldwide…

Paul Manafort's To Do List

Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor. Arrange…

Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!

This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would…

What Abbreviated Band Names are Actually Short For

10cc. Member Lol Creme would always ask band mate Kevin Godley…

The Very Basic Facts Contained In The FBI's Released JFK Assassination Documents

The FBI recently released all documents related to the 1963 assassination…

PIC QUIP: Trump's Art Collection

Chicago art museum says Renoir in Trump's NYC apartment is fake.…

Don’t Get in a Stranger’s Van, Charlie Brown and 10 Other Rejected Peanuts TV Specials

Has Anyone Seen Charlie Brown’s Bong? Pig Pen Gets…

Bistro Bistro Is Fully Booked

The first thing to know about Bistro Bistro is that no one answers…

Halloween Horror Flicks For People Who Don't Like Being Scared

I Saw What You Did Last, Sumner Redstone VeryNormal Activity The…

Terrifying Halloween Costumes Based On Our New Normal

Fine Person Comes with shaved-head skull cap…

I Bought An Exercise Ball For My Desk And Now It’s Easier Than Ever To Masturbate at Work

I try to make healthy choices, so I bought an exercise ball to…

After 35 Years of Marriage, Dad Comes Out as Alien

STOWE, Ohio -- Following 35 years of marriage, and after seeing…

President Trump Makes Calls To Other Tragedy Victims Throughout History

"So, yeah...  sad, very sad.    It's a shame that he wasn't working…

Deleted Scenes From The Upcoming Spider-Man : Homecoming Blu Ray

Web-shooters go off accidentally while riding on the subway,…

Trump Speech-O-Matic

Many people wonder why the things President Trump says seem so…

Rejected New Names for the Weinstein Company

Bad Touch Productions Hurricane Harvey Inc. Just…

Trump IQ Test

President Donald Trump has challenged Secretary of State Rex…

Lost Pages From the Steele Dossier

Note: This piece has been adapted from a recently completed…

A Conversation Between Two Butts Who Just Butt-Dialed Each Other

1: Hi. I think you butt dialed me. 2: No, I saw…

Ways That Trump Could Be Even More Horribly Offensive To Puerto Rico

Visit the island and do a rain dance. Ensure that paper…

How Bojack Horseman Changed Television: Every Character is Now a Horse

The Netflix original animated series Bojack Horseman has changed…

16 Quotes That Show Donald Trump Could Be Your Drunk Uncle

Proof that if you add 'Am I right, Sonny Boy?' to a Donald Trump…

#UselessLinkedInSkills

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…

Anthony Weiner's First Day Of Prison Mistakes

Asking to see the "toilet wine list". Handing out…

O.J. Simpson To Do List

O.J. Simpson was released from prison Sunday and brought with…

Fear and Loathing in the White House Movie Theater

“I've built walls A fortress deep and mighty That none may…

Pretty Basic Swingers' Club Etiquette

A queef in a club is similar to a burp after a large meal in…

List for the White House Handyman

We were able to obtain a copy of the list of requests and fixes…

All the New Cable Channels

"Comedy" Central. Reruns of all your classic shows that claim…

Too Many Talking Vehicles

Too Many Talking Vehicles was a television show in the 1980s…

Sean Spicer: Hollywood Wunderkind

“You can do this. We’ve all taken jobs we aren’t proud…

You May Have Been Affected By Our Recent Dog-Walking Breach. What to Do Next.

Dear Ellen, As I’m sure you’re aware, the Park Slope community…

Quiz: Canadian Football League Team or Condom Brand

1. Stampeders 2  Blue Bombers 3. Trojans 4. Tiger Cats 5.…

Fall TV Preview

Buttock Moisteners, PI-  Adventures of NYC detectives who moisten…

Things Everybody is Tired of Hearing a Skeleton Say

"I am made of bones." "I…

Nihilistic Airport Announcements

Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate…

Back Cover Blurbs for Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir, “What Happened”

“Let Fake News Media like AmazonWashingtonPost and FailingNewYorkTimes…

John Tyler's White House Letter To James Knox Polk

Since the election, Americans have been asking what it means…

The InfoWars Hurricane Survival Guide

When a gust of wind blows down your doors, stick out your head,…

Sheriff Joe & Trump's Upcoming Reality Show LEAKED TRANSCRIPT!!!

We've managed to get our hands on the transcript of the upcoming…

5 Things to Prepare for Once You’ve Released the Fallen Angel from Mike Pence's Urn

Oh dear. Now, you’ve done it. Despite countless,…

White Noise Machine Settings Designed to Keep Socially Anxious People Up at Night

Crowded Room of People Dressed in Formal Wear   The…

A Back to School Message from Your Child’s Teacher, Mr. Axl Rose

Welcome to the Jungle Gym, aka Room 16. My name is Mr. Axl Rose,…

A Drug Infested Den' And Other Trump Inspired New New Hampshire State Mottos

President Trump called New Hampshire 'A Drug Infested Den.' Look…

Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts

Dear        Mr. Brody    , WELCOME!  We are delighted…

Dear News-Detox Journal

Day 1. Here I am at the Bob Ross Artist…

So You've Wisely Decided Not To Evacuate During The Hurricane

So you've wisely decided not to evacuate during the hurricane. Good…

White House Answering Machine

As you might imagine, the White House has been receiving thousands…

Donald Trump's Take On Classic Fairy Tales

Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody…

Chuck E. Cheese's Plans, Following The Break Up Of His Band The Pizza Time Players

Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with…

Our Desperate Writing Submission for Breitbart

Hello! We are writers who have not had success being hired by…

Trump Fantasy Football League

Current and former members of President Trump's inner circle…

New Career Suggestions For My Freeloading, Annoying, Worthless Coworkers

Acting They certainly have the practice of pretending to be…

There Are Many Sides to Blame For My Getting Dumped By Justin

I'd like to share, in the strongest possible way, the horrible…

How To Tell If You Watched The Eclipse Wrong

Your eyebrows fell into your mouth while you were screaming. Your…

10 Things To Remember While Watching The Total Solar Eclipse

1)  Staring straight at the sun during an eclipse could do serious…

Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish

As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch…

Half A Dozen Other Nice Things That President Trump Has To Say About Hate-Mongering White Supremacists

"Wonderful... beautiful, even... penmanship on some of those…

ALT-Right Film Festival

Tiki Torch Song Trilogies The Kids Are Alt Right Do…

Employment Opportunities For The Recently Exposed Racist

Many of these marching white supremacist idiots have been exposed…

The Death Of America Takes A Holiday: Trump's Vacation Journal

Day 1 "Journal... may I call you Journal? Today was sort of…

HGTV Presents: Trump's White House Flippers

Trump speaks from behind his desk in the Oval Office: "Listen,…

Scaramucci's Ten Day's Worth Of Accomplishments

Booked a spot on Celebrity Big Brother Straightened the…

Other Cringe-Worthy Lines From Trump's Speech To The Boy Scouts

What is it you boys do?   You tie knots and so on, and get…

Quiz: National Spelling Bee Winner or National Spelling Bee Winning Word

Nanatuk Venkatachalam Nandipati Appoggiatura Feldenkrai Buddiga Tidmarsh Succedaneum Demarche Sujoe National…

Dear Mother's Needlepoint

          …

Revised Storm Names for 2017 Atlantic Hurricane Season

After receiving an executive order, the National Hurricane Center,…

Tripping Balls with the Founding Fathers

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Many observers of President Donald J. Trump…

Bodyslam Your Way To Greatness: The Gianforte Way

Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans. My name is Greg Gianforte.…

5 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews

Living day to day is one fickle beast, and sometimes all it takes…

French Kiss 2: Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron Lost in Italy

After the inaugural meeting for the G7 Summit, young and lithe…

#DescribeImpeachmentBadly

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…

Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College

Hello. Welcome. Can you believe I’m here? Not just as president,…