New Career Plans For Ted Cruz

It looks like it’s getting to be about that time. The time for Ted Cruz to find work. We had some good times, some laughs, some close calls that almost sent America to a downward spiral in which we would be unrecoverable and lose all rights and be forced to marry our guns ( but only if they were female) So just where should Ted be sending his resume?


1. Supreme Court Justice
Say what you want about the guy, but he sure can argue. It’s absurd that Congress won’t even meet new nominees in the first place, but if this does get put off Ted Cruz would be a potential candidate to replace Antonin Scalia, another devout conservative’s seat. While Scalia was full of honor and Ted Cruz looks like he’s probably just full of sour milk, even President trump thinks he might be a fit for the role.


2. Televangelist
This is no surprise. Every time Cruz opens his mouth he sounds like he’s speaking in one of those mega churches about scripture. Cruz could use this time to get away from politics for a while and reconnect with the Lord after all the sins he committed on and off the campaign trail defaming other candidates.


3. Keep His Senate Seat
Sure, this may mean going back with his tail between his legs, but Texas weirdly likes Ted Cruz. It’s never fun having to move back in with Mom and Dad after getting fired from your glamorous job in the city, but hey, it’s a roof over your head, Ted.


4. Rat King of New York City
No, Ted doesn’t respect New York values, but New Yorkers don’t respect rats either. Pizza Rat has gotten a little too big for his britches by now and the rat population could probably use a new leader. Ted Cruz could live a comfortable life under the sewer caps of the city and have his rat disciples bring him scraps of food from the city over. He already looks greasy too so there wouldn’t even be a rough transition there. At least then he’d be in charge of some group.


5. Pornstar
Last week a girl in the south signed a deal to do porn for $10,000 because she is a Ted Cruz look-alike. Ted could easily slide in there, probably unnoticed, and take over the role. The viewers will just think it’s a Ted Cruz look-alike that’s in the film.


6. Zodiac Killer Revival
It’s never too late to put the band back together…


7. Work For A Trump Hotel and Resort
The now nominee Donald Trump hires tons of foreign immigrants to work at his hotels and resorts, Cruz would be perfect for that! Just make sure he’s not the one handling your beach towels with those greasy hands.

Written by Timothy Latterner

Timothy Latterner

Tim Latterner is the leading expert on pizza folding techniques, black and white cookies, and all things sandwich related. He has written for CollegeHumor, Playboy Magazine, MAD Magazine, and a bunch of other humor publications. He’s a good guy, you should get to know him.