Originals

For All The Nevers In Life: If The State Farm Ad was Self-Aware

Nevers

[We open on a wild, alcohol-fueled pool party with college age guests. A bikini clad babe is lounging poolside, looking delectable. From a table nearby, a young man in a Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks watches her, hunger in his eyes. His dorky buddies are seated at the table as well. He turns to them and speaks, partially drowned out by the loud music in the background.]

MAN: I am never getting married!

[Smash cut to: The front entrance of a church on a sunny June day. From within, an organist is playing Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March.” The young man, now a few years older, emerges from the building, wearing a tuxedo. The pool party babe is on his arm, wearing a flowing, white wedding dress. Friends and relatives throw rice at the newlyweds. The man looks utterly bewildered.]

[Cut to: The back seat of a limousine. Through the back window, we can see tin cans trailing behind. The bride is beaming as she looks straight forward. The groom is confused and doesn’t know where to look. His eyes dart around the vehicle.]

MAN: (tentatively) I am never going to have children.

[Smash cut to: The living room of a suburban home. The man and woman are in the same relative positions onscreen, but the back seat of the limo has become an overstuffed couch. There are several children in the room with them, crying, screaming, and throwing things. The woman seems numb to this. The man, less so. A TV drones on in the background.]

MAN: Okay, so that’s how this works, huh?

WOMAN: (not averting her eyes from the TV) What’s that?

MAN: (to her, softly) Nothing, honey. Watch your show. (to no one in particular, louder) I am never going to murder my wife and family and be acquitted in a sensational trial.

[Smash cut to: A courtroom. Now wearing a sharp suit, the man stands as he awaits the verdict of his trial. A slick-looking lawyer stands next to him. The voice of the jury forewoman is heard.]

FOREWOMAN: We find the defendant…

[Cut to: The jury forewoman. She is a stunning blonde.]

FOREWOMAN: …Not guilty.

[She winks, seductively.]

[Cut back to: The defendant. He smirks.]

MAN: (to his lawyer) I am never going to have aerobic, hot tub sex with that jury forewoman.

[Smash cut to: The man having aerobic, hot tub sex with the jury forewoman.]

MAN: (in ecstasy) Oh, christ yes! I am never going to turn my story into a best-selling book!

[Smash cut to: The living room of a mansion that looks like it was decorated by Tony Montana. On the wall is a poster for ‘Unjustifiably Accused: The Tad MacAvoy Story,’ with a sticker in the corner that says: “SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!” The Clash’s “Rock the Casbah” plays in the background. Various attractive young women and douchey hangers-on mill about.]

MAN: I am never going to be able to thrive on a diet of just Doritos, cigarettes, and Jagermeister.

[Cut to: The same living room, only now piled high with cases of Doritos and Jagermeister. The man, an e-cigarette dangling from his lips, is now clad only in a leopard-print speedo. He is tanned, toned, and muscled.]

MAN: Oh, man, with this luck I am never gonna die!

[Cut to: The fiery pits of hell. The man, now bedraggled and emaciated, wears only rags. He takes a second to look around and contemplate his situation.]

MAN: Well… shit.

[His former wife, a large knife still lodged in her back, enters. She, too, is wearing only rags and does not seem pleased. Blood spurts from her never-healed wound.]

MAN: (optimistically) Honey!

ANNOUNCER:  For All The Nevers In Life. State Farm Insurance. Fucking with time and space since 1922.

Written by Joe Blevins

Joe Blevins

Originally from Flint, MI, but now making his home in the suburbs of Chicago, Joe Blevins is a self-described darkener of doorsteps and a chronicler of all things that truly do not matter. Of late, he has been wasting the time of readers through The A.V. Club, Splitsider, and his own blog, Dead 2 Rights, which used to be about zombies before those became a cliche. Now it’s about god knows what.

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