Dear Barnes and Noble,
I am so sorry.
I know nothing I can say will get the blood out of Nicholas Sparks’ baby blue v-neck sweater nor will it clean up the “frappé” mess I made on the bathroom walls but I wanted to set the record straight on the events that went down last Saturday afternoon.
Let me just start by saying that I love, LOVE, your Starbucks Frappuccino Flavored Beverages. I know now that I should have gone with a simple small mocha instead of the large caramel with an extra shot that I had that day. In retrospect, I also blame the two Oreo Dream Brownies that I slaughtered in the Self-Help section of your fine establishment. This was too much for one man to handle and I know that now.
As far as the Nicholas Sparks situation, you have to understand where my head was that day. My girlfriend and I had just watched ‘Dear John’ a few nights before and it was, by far, the worst decision we could have made as a couple. After the film, Valerie kept comparing our relationship to the relationship between Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum and it really made me feel like an inadequate partner/lover.
So after some googling I found out that Mr. Sparks had written the novel the movie was based on and checked his, if I’m being honest, very mediocre website. I mean, we get it Nicholas, you like lighthouses! Pfff(sp?)! Anyway, I saw that his Book Tour was coming through here and I wanted to let him know how his “writing” basically ruined my relationship, plus pitch him my idea of a book/movie vehicle for the one and only Mickey Rourke.
After the bathroom situation, I eagerly waited in line to speak with Mr. Sparks. I probably should have looked at a picture of him first, because he looks eerily like my deceased father with whom I never had closure with and I know now that I was angrily throwing boxes of ‘Apples to Apples’ board games at my dad, not Nicholas Sparks. I had hoped the 15 minutes of crying afterwards would have made it clear, but I guess not.
I hope you and Mr. Sparks will drop the pending lawsuit/restraining order as the nearest Borders is 45 minutes away and my car is not in the best shape and I will NOT go to the library because they don’t allow outside food or beverages. I have started a petition to change that, but that’s another story altogether. Please use and forward the attached eHow printouts on how to get the blood stains out of a shirt and tell Mr. Sparks that if he sends me his size, I will let him borrow one of my flag football shirts until his has been cleaned. I will not buy him a new one.
In conclusion, I hope we can continue our relationship in the future and look forward to your reply. I’ve tried to make Oreo Dream Brownies at home and while they produce the same results in the bathroom, I feel they are missing an important ingredient. Love.