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Missing Excerpts From JFK’s Diary

JFK’s handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years, missing pages have been found to complete this piece of history of the famed 35th President.

 

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March 16th, 1961: Diary, today is an amazing day! I’ve only been the leader of this great country for a bit more than a month, and already I have the keys to the kingdom! I was given a tour of the deepest, darkest underground lab that the CIA weasels have to offer, and it was truly eye-opening. Those creepy but truly patriotic fellas are working on some sort of “Super Soldier” serum, and they agreed to sneak an injection or two into my lower back. What would be better than a Super Soldier, if not a Super President?

 


 

June 23rd, 1961: Being President keeps me pretty busy (and I don’t get to sleep in nearly as often as I used to!), but there are definitely perks. Just as one example, the guys at NASA threw me a pizza party yesterday! Jackie said that I could have two pieces, but one had to be cheese (don’t worry Diary, I peeled a few pepperoni’s off of a slice and stuffed them into my pockets for later!).

 


 

Sept 6th, 1961: I decided that I wanted to take a walk through the park today. Very nice day for a park walk, but a caterpillar dropped onto my shoulder from a tree, and I screamed really loud. The Secret Service guys were startled and jumped into action, shooting a guy who was jogging past us. I felt really bad, but it wasn’t my fault (it was a really big caterpillar, Diary!). We gave his wife, I mean widow, some money and stuff, so I think that everything will be okay now.

 


 

Nov 11th, 1961: I went in for my monthly Super Soldier injection yesterday. The main creepy guy asked if I was feeling any side effects, and I was honest with him. A bit of dry-mouth, and I’ve been really horny lately! Jackie doesn’t mind sex, but thinks that it’s a bit “messy”, so I’ve been sneaking ladies into the basement of the White House every now and then. And for the dry mouth, fruit punch!

 


 

Feb 21st, 1962: I keep having hallucinations of a unicorn being sawed in half by a man made of glowing worms. Kind of freaky, but interesting too, so I don’t really mind. And I’ve been really itchy, too, Diary. But scratching feels sooooo good, so I don’t really mind that, either! Oh, and Diary! I met a really pretty lady from the movies! She’s really pretty and nice, and doesn’t seem to think that sex is “messy”. Or, if she does think that it’s messy, she doesn’t seem to mind too much.

 


 

June 18th, 1962: I’ve been having really weird dreams lately, Diary. I had one just the other night, and to be honest, it was more like watching a movie than having a dream; and the movie in question was something called Breakin’ 2: Electric Bugaloo. I’m not really sure what it was about, but it was entertaining enough, with the ladies with the really big bottoms and so on. I woke up covered in sweat, which Jackie said was gross, and then she went to sleep on the couch.

 


 

August 4th, 1962: Oh shit!! Shit shit shit shit shit!!! Diary, I think that I did a bad thing! It was an accident, though. I swear!! I was working out some of my horniness problems with Ms. Monroe, and I must have done it too hard and too strong, because I think that she might be dead! I was really freaking out, but did all I could to piece her back together, covered the worst parts with a few pillows, and got out of there quick! The secret service guys told me that everything would be okay, but I’m feeling really itchy right now.

 


 

March 18th, 1963: Being President is okay, I guess, but sometimes it can be a pain. Most people, as it turns out, are mean jerks. Jackie says that I have to talk to them and try to be nice anyway, but I don’t really want to. I keep trying to dream about the dancing movie again, but all I ever see is the unicorn being cut in half, except that now it screams in Marilyn’s voice.

 


 

June 24th, 1963: Teddy came over to hang out, and when we were by ourselves in the smoking room we talked really quiet-like about all of the ladies that we’ve accidentally killed over the years. He has some great stories! And funny, too. I mean, I guess it’s not funny that these ladies died, but still…. funny is funny. I mean, just the image of Teddy, half-naked and covered in blood, running away from a burning houseboat! Like I said, funny. I asked him if he accidentally kills ladies due to his regular doses of Super Soldier serum, and he just looked at me funny. So I just changed the subject quickly, and that seemed okay with him.

 


 

November 21st, 1963: Diary, this Super Soldier formula has changed my life! Being the President of these United States is one thing, but being all of that, and all that it entails, while also being able to throw a tractor the distance of two football fields? Truly liberating. The head CIA creep says that I need just a couple more injections, and I’ll be practically indestructible. Like, according to him, even bullets would bounce off of my skin!! Crazy. I’m just going to get this quick trip to Dallas over, and then as soon as I’m back home I’ll head over to the CIA to begin my most recent series of serum injections! So excited, Diary!!

 


 

Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….

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