Margaritaville, Inc.’s Annual Report, By Jimmy Buffett

Mahalo shareholders, stakeholders and loyal Parrotheads. Margaritaville, Inc. is pleased to report another strong financial year for all properties under our extensive beach umbrella. Despite a dip in tourism due to the current political climate, a record number of domestic consumers waded into Margaritaville and Cheeseburger in Paradise establishments for a tropical escape. Profits were driven by our primary demographic – divorced fathers aged 50+. With an eye on the horizon, we’ve developed an exciting new strategy to reel in the big catch – millennials.

 

Our new Broadway show, Escape to Margaritaville, recently opened to sellout crowds. Early critics are already calling it “Hamilton in flip-flops.” In an unprecedented display of brand synergy, each musical number is named after a Margaritaville menu item. Audiences have been gently swaying in the aisles to show-stopping numbers like “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” “Lava Lava Shrimp,” and of course, “Signature Fish Sandwich.” Concerns about bartenders disrupting the performance with noise from margarita blenders have been noted and corrected.

 

Farm-to-table restaurants are all the rage, which is why we’ve debuted a B.Y.O.F. (Bring Your Own Fish) policy at all restaurant locations. For a nominal fee, guests may bring their own fish, dead or alive, for our chefs to prepare as they please. B.Y.O.F. has been tested in several markets to measurable success, with only minor complaints about smell at the Mall of America location in Bloomington, MN.

 

To capitalize on changes in state legislation, all California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon, Washington and Vermont franchises will start happy hour forty minutes earlier than usual, for our new “4:20 O’Clock Somewhere” promotion. Market research suggests this will resonate with young diners as “dank”.

 

We know how important social media is to this bold new strategy. State-of-the-art ice cream photo booths will be installed at every restaurant, allowing customers to create their own shareable, Instagram-friendly sundaes. This includes an all-you-can-eat sprinkle station. A Jimmy Buffett jimmie buffet is sure to make a “splash” on the “gram”, as the kids say.

 

As a corporation whose top priority is spreading good vibes, it is our responsibility to comment on the #MeToo movement sweeping across all industries. While we stand by our motto of “No shirt. No shoes. No problem,” we do have a zero tolerance policy for “No respect.” That’s why we’ve instituted an anonymous conch-based reporting system. Inside every Margaritaville, Inc. kitchen is a purple conch (not to be confused with the red conch, for emergency shrimp shortages). Crew members may whisper misconduct complaints into the conch, where they will be recorded and dealt with by Poseidon’s Fury – a new official whistleblower department in HR.

 

In addition, new regulations include a mandate that male crew members’ Hawaiian shirts be buttoned at least 50% of the way up. Body shots are now prohibited during work hours. And we will no longer permit any of the following contests on the premises: Twerking Contests, Wet T-Shirt Contests, Wet Speedo Contests, Wet Board Short Contests, Pin The Tail On The Mermaid, Walk The Plank, Suntan Lotion Wrestling, “Motorboat” Races, Strip Limbo, “How Many Jumbo Shrimp?”, and of course any non-Jimmy Buffett karaoke.

 

Margaritaville, Inc. is proud to support a fair minimum wage of $15/hour. Unfortunately, due to a rash of flip-flop, sandal, and thong-related accidents that caused premiums to skyrocket 150%, we will no longer offer employer-sponsored insurance. Concerns about this matter can be communicated by dropping off a message-in-a-bottle at your nearest oceanfront.

 

The good ship “Fiscal Year 2018” is primed for smooth sailing, lead by our diverse board of directors that includes market experts Thomas Bahama, William A. Bong, and Havaianas CFO Trey Beachball. So grab your favorite tequila, a handful of coconut shrimp, and enjoy that $0.35/share quarterly dividend.

 

 

May you all find your long-lost shakers of salt,

 

Jimmy Buffett