Note: This piece has been adapted from a recently completed novel about the 2016 Presidential Election, From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts.
The following transcript was found within a classified dossier covertly obtained from the Kremlin.
PETROV: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Mr. Trump. We regret your loss in the Iowa caucus yesterday.
PETROV: Your, shall we say, sympathizers in Russia.
TRUMP: Oh, of course, of course. You know, the people love me. There’s no question about that.
PETROV: Take off your hat, sit for a while.
TRUMP: What hat?
PETROV: Never mind. Just sit.
TRUMP: You see the legs on that waitress?
TRUMP: I should come back to this joint when I’m looking for my next wife.
PETROV: Yes, yes.
TRUMP: Ten years or a hundred thousand miles. A good rule of thumb, I tell you. They get all grabbed-out after that.
PETROV: Yes. Mr. Trump, I would like to congratulate you on the campaign you have run so far. We in Russia have been quite impressed.
TRUMP: You are going to be so impressed. You’ve never seen winning like how we’re going to win, Petrov. We’re going to win New Hampshire. We’re going to win California. We’re going to win Iowa.
PETROV: Mr. Trump, Iowa—
TRUMP: I threw Jorge Ramos out of a press conference. People like strength, Petrov. They like strength, and they like good television.
PETROV: And Russians certainly appreciate a strong leader such as yourself.
TRUMP: So, so strong. You know how many people watched the Celebrity Apprentice? More people than watched the Oscars. Horrible show, the Oscars. Completely overrated. Robert Pattinson is a horrible presenter. He should have dumped Kristen Stewart in 2012, I told everybody.
PETROV: Yes. Mr. Trump, we believe there are significant areas of potential—
TRUMP: She cheated on him like a dog, and she’ll do it again. Such a disgusting woman. A lesbian now, I hear. A lesbian. I mean, have you seen her in a tank top?
PETROV: Mr. Trump, Russia has shown you much generosity. As I am sure you remember, our country has been there to assist you in your moments of need.
TRUMP: Absolutely. Nobody could find the number for that agency, Petrov. You guys came through.
PETROV: For too long, our countries have failed to understand each other. For nearly a century, we have regarded each other with hostility and competition. And for what reason? You yourself have enjoyed a very splendid and productive relationship with Russia and her people.
TRUMP: Such beautiful women in Russia. Gorgeous women. And I’ve been with many of them. Many of them. Many women. You ever stay at the Ritz? Terrific, terrific hotel. So many beautiful women, I’ve met at the Ritz.
PETROV: We are aware, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: After the election, maybe you could send over a couple women for Trump TV. We’ll need anchors. They don’t have to know how to read. We’ll get a big name to read the news. Someone terrific. Wayne Newton. And the women, maybe they can hula hoop or something while we run a news crawl on the bottom.
PETROV: Mr. Trump, we wish to help you in this campaign.
TRUMP: Of course. Everyone wants to help me. I get so many phone calls. I get phone calls everyday, from people asking, how can we help you? But I don’t take their money. I do not take their money.
PETROV: Mr. Trump, there are many ways we can assist you.
TRUMP: I actually do take the money. You wouldn’t believe how well that line plays, though.
PETROV: Mr. Trump, we can offer you financial support and many other types of support, as well. However, there must be some conditions.
TRUMP: Right, I know. Nobody can know about Trump TV until after the election. Here’s what Roger says. We say I was robbed and I should have won, then we announce Trump TV. Maybe right before Thanksgiving. You know Roger, right?
PETROV: Mr. Stone and I shared a very productive afternoon on Mr. Deripaska’s yacht, yes. He is, how you say, very well connected.
TRUMP: Yeah, real standup guy, Roger.
PETROV: Yes. He is a great friend of many, as our country has been a fast friend to you. And Mr. Trump—
TRUMP: Did you see his wife? Those jugs have a life of their own, let me tell you.
PETROV: —Mr. Trump, there are many ways for friends to repay each other.
TRUMP: Oh, don’t worry about that, Petrov. Trump TV is going to be so, so successful, we’ll get that all taken care of. I am a winner, Petrov. I don’t back down.
PETROV: Yes, Mr. Trump. That is a start.
TRUMP: Just tell everyone to sit tight for a few months.
PETROV: Mr. Trump, our relationship has moved beyond simple dollars and cents, mere loans and accounts.
TRUMP: Terrific. You are gonna love this TV station, Petrov. Just wait.
PETROV: Let me be clear. The Russian government holds information about your activities in Russia that would be extremely damaging to your, how do you say, “brand,” if it were to become public.
TRUMP: No doubt about it, I have had some tremendous times in Russia. Just terrific. One time, at the Ritz, I stayed in the Presidential suite, where Barack and Michelle spent their trip. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. I hired some—
PETROV: Mr. Trump, you hired shlyukha, as we say in Russia. Prostitutes.
TRUMP: Right, and they peed on me. It was tremendous. Let me tell you, Russian prostitutes—they have the best urine. The best. It must be all the vodka. Potatoes, you know?
PETROV: Now, of course, if the American media—
TRUMP: And they do the best things to their vaginas. Totally, totally smooth. Incredible. Like a little girl’s. Reminds me of when the nanny used to give Ivanka baths.
PETROV: We believe, if such a story were known by the American people, not only your electoral chances, but also your business fortunes, would suffer irreversible harm. In Russia, Mr. Trump, we call this “Kompromat.”
TRUMP: You know that they were from a service, right? Top notch girls. Nines, tens. These weren’t just women from the street.
PETROV: Yes. This service was a front for the FSB, you understand.
TRUMP: Okay, so, what was your point? I paid them, didn’t I?
PETROV: Actually, there is still an outstanding bill for—
TRUMP: One of them got nervous and couldn’t pee. I’m suing her.
PETROV: Mr. Trump, the Russian government is prepared to release—
TRUMP: I mentioned this was at the Ritz, right?
PETROV: We will release the videotape of these events, unless you agree to certain conditions.
TRUMP: Right. For one, I want a copy of the tape.
PETROV: The Russian government will work to secure your electoral victory, with the understanding that, once elected, you will approve a change in policy toward Russia and help the Kremlin to erode the American government from within through mismanagement and corruption.
TRUMP: Oh, you don’t need to tell me. The people running this country are so, so corrupt. I’m a businessman, Petrov. I will make the best deals. I will call China and talk to China. I will run this country like one of my businesses. You can depend on that.
PETROV: That is precisely our hope, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: I am a draw, Petrov. Did you see me on Saturday Night Live? I hosted it. They told me it was the highest-rated episode they had since the week after 9/11. I was very, very funny. A lot of people called the next day to say that I should host the show regularly.
PETROV: Mr. Trump, we hope to be in touch again. Until then, consider our offer. You can reach me through my associate, Paul Manafort.
TRUMP: Oh, you know Paul? Terrific guy. Balls like a horse’s ass.
PETROV: Yes, he was instrumental in the recent elections in the Ukraine. A very hard-working individual.
TRUMP: Oh, believe me. Not as hard-working as me, of course. Not as hard-working as me. But a very, very good guy.
PETROV: The time will come when it will be appropriate for him to join your campaign team in an official capacity, but for now, we will proceed with your current staff.
TRUMP: Sure, sure. Hey, listen, did Putin get the case of breath mints I sent him? Those are from Mar-a-Lago.
PETROV: I am uncertain of that detail.
TRUMP: Tell him, next time a girl goes down on him, put one of those in her mouth first. Incredible, Petrov. Let me tell you. Just incredible.
PETROV: Yes, Mr. Trump. Thank you for your time.
TRUMP: Like someone stuck a battery jumper cable on your penis. Just incredible.