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List for the White House Handyman

We were able to obtain a copy of the list of requests and fixes from the White House crew and are sharing it here, a Weekly Humorist, exclusive.


Dear repair crew,

Please find enclosed a list of all necessary fixes to the White House. Please send all expense reports to:

Sec. Tom Price

Back of the Private Jet

Sky, USA

Thank you.


The many holes in Steve Bannon’s walls might necessitate replacing the drywall completely. There also seems to be some sort of acid burn on the carpeting.


The racks for Ivanka’s branded shoes need expanding as the factories in China are working too fast. We also need to add more space to the dog house Jared sleeps/hides in. He may ask for a bigger water bowl, but Ivanka has vetoed this request.


Jeff Sessions’ office needs more room to store removed Confederate statues for his “department research.” He also needs some steps installed so he can more easily get up into his desk chair.


The Andrew Jackson portraits need to be restored and cleaned: they appear to have been repeatedly kissed or fondled.


Steven Miller needs all mirrors removed and more sound-proofing installed in his leather room. He also needs a new drawer for the wrenches he uses to force a smile.


Kellyanne Conway asked us to say that she’s very happy and has no complaints at all, why do you ask.


TV screens need to be reinforced and, if possible, placed behind sturdy plexiglass.


Make the light switches bigger and easier to see.


Change the locks so Reince can stop getting in.


Is there any way we can make the floors different so everyone looks shorter than POTUS?


Steven Mnuchin wants his Suicide Squad poster to be mounted in “a frame like the Lincoln one.”


FLOTUS asked for a periscope to be installed in her hiding place, but is otherwise very happy with the space.


The arrows we installed to help Ben Carson get around need to be bigger, brighter, and “with more Jesus.”


POTUS asked for mirrors that show “many sides.”


Written by James Folta

James Folta

James Folta is a writer and comedian based in NYC. He has written for The New Yorker, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The American Bystander and more. He’s a performer at the UCB Theatre. Read his writing online at www.JamesFolta.com and his shortest writing at @JamesFolta.

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