originals

Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I’m Running For Office?

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to honor the memory of my brother, Jim, who was taken from us much too soon. His tragic death reminds us that life is short, which is why I think now is as good a time as any to announce that I’m running for office in 2018.

Looking around the room right now, I’m seeing a lot of tears. I want you to know that I understand how you feel. I, too, am overflowing with hope at the things we could accomplish together.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “Tell us more. What are your qualifications?” Well, I’ll be the first to admit that I have no political experience. But look at it this way: I also have no experience giving eulogies, and yet, here I am. Jim didn’t have any experience laying in coffins. And yet, there he is.

Jim was a terrific guy. Genuine, caring, smart. Don’t we all wish our politicians could be people like Jim? Well, I’ve got good news for you. I am a person like Jim. I’m his brother.

Growing up with Jim was great. He truly was the best kid and the best big brother anyone could ask for. And after he was gone, I realized something: Even though I was second-best, in the end, I came out on top. Think about that when you go to the polls.

And speaking of the polls, I do hope that all of you will exercise your constitutional right to vote. You know, it was said last year that thousands of dead people voted in the election. Wink, wink. Looking at you, big bro.

One thing I’ve learned from Jim’s untimely downfall is that we are never promised tomorrow. So today, in addition to announcing my candidacy, I’d also like to unveil my campaign slogan: “A Promise For Tomorrow.” And if you’ll all take a moment to look under your pews…that’s right, go on, look! Free “Promise for Tomorrow” keychains for everybody! You might be asking yourself, why a keychain? Because, if you vote for me, together we can drive the future. Except you, Jim. Clearly you can’t be trusted behind the wheel of a car.

In closing, I’d like to say a few words. Two words, actually: T-shirt Gun. Who wants one? I think I see a hand in the front! POW! One “Promise for Tomorrow” comin’ atcha! Oh, sorry MeeMaw, you really gotta get that cane under control. Jim? You wanna be next? KA-CHOW! What, you can’t even catch it? Maybe if you were quicker, you’d be on the other side of this t-shirt gun.

Anyway, there’s a short reception at mom’s after this. We’ll have light refreshments.

Written by Karly Brooks

Karly Brooks

Karly Brooks is a writer living in Brooklyn with her roommate’s dog and also her roommates. Her writing has appeared on McSweeney’s, BuzzFeed, The Belladonna, Weekly Humorist, a few ads and her Twitter (@brookskarly). Her hobbies include reading and writing, which is sort of sad since her day job is also mostly reading and writing. She should really find another day job.

Comments

comments