Dude, first, thanks so much for donating to my Kickstarter last year. If all goes well, NutSocket is probably going to release our second album sometime this year, and we’ve got a cool new sound that we’re experimenting with. Sort of an industrial jazz meets Hüsker Dü and Béla Fleck vibe. We may even do a tour throughout the Lehigh Valley next spring. So if you find yourself in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania you should come check us out.
Also, thanks for giving money to my CrowdRise campaign for the Gladiator Jog I did up in New Hampshire in March. Not only was I the first to hurdle the flaming rope of barbed wire, but I also placed second in the stuffed panda mud-wrestling portion of the event. You should totally be part of our team for the next one, I hear they’re adding an obstacle made up of people dressed as zombies that have been covered in maple syrup and rolled around in tree bark that chase you. Should be fun!
I know we haven’t really talked since our 10-year high school reunion, which, by the way, I want to apologize again for grinding up against your girlfriend at. If I’d have known you guys were together, I definitely wouldn’t have asked her to come check out my van. But since you “liked” several of my photos from the spearfishing trip I took to the Maldives last month, I assume we’re cool.
The reason I’m writing to you is kind of personal. The gist is this: I need a vasectomy. Once NutSocket’s album drops, I plan on being ankle-deep in poon. And while I kinda sorta practice safe sex – you know, if the chick looks clean – using condoms is against the teachings of my spiritual leader, Andrew Keegan, the third male lead from 10 Things I Hate About You. I can’t conflict with his message of condom use bringing about a latex-based end of times, but I also can’t afford to have another kid. I have a trip to Thailand planned for late December, so I’m hoping to have the operation taken care of beforehand … if you know what I mean.
I’ve started a page on Indiegogo to accept donations that will go toward getting the surgery. If you could find it in your heart to donate even a little bit, that would be amazing. My bills have been insane lately, what with all the studio equipment, recording time, band T-shirts, and pyrotechnics I’ve purchased. So I’m reaching out to a few friends to ask if they’d donate to help cover the hospital bills.
During one of my pre-concert mediation moments, I’ll think of you.
I’ll write your name on my penis and not wash it off for a week.
I’ll follow you on Twitter.
You can come to one of NutSocket’s concerts and have a meet and greet with us backstage. (Concert tickets and travel and lodging not included.)
Your name will be printed in the liner notes for NutSocket’s upcoming album, Slut Bucket.
You can be in the room when I get my huevos snipped.
Dude, seriously bro, I really appreciate it. I always felt like you and I had a special connection. Getting my vas deferens severed can only bring us closer together. Thanks again man!
(Eugene Lopkowski, Class of ’97)