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I Bought An Exercise Ball For My Desk And Now It’s Easier Than Ever To Masturbate at Work

I try to make healthy choices, so I bought an exercise ball to sit on while I’m at my desk. It has helped strengthen my core and it’s made it easier than ever to masturbate at work. When I started using the exercise ball, it didn’t take me long to notice that I was actually sitting up straighter and coming harder than I would have in a traditional office chair. The tension I used to have in my shoulders and with Ryan in IT is now completely gone. Not a day goes by when I don’t cream my tasteful work slacks, and I have to say I feel like a new woman! For the first time in a long time, I have dreams of achieving lofty professional goals and multiple orgasms.

The ball is always subtly moving, which keeps my muscles and downstairs flaps constantly engaged. To keep steady, I plant my feet firmly on the floor and then think about one of those erotic fiction stories I used to read before I learned my boss could access my internet history. They say you only need to ride this thing for thirty minutes a day to burn extra calories. That may not seem like a lot of time, but it’s all I need to grind one out.

Recently I had to update the health care plans for our company, a process that can take hours. Thanks to my new stability ball, my shoulders didn’t ache after all of that paperwork and you could say I put the O in PPO. Fair warning: I did make some critical errors while selecting our BCBS plan and had to completely redo it the next day, so until you’re more familiar with the ball, I recommend focusing on simple tasks like scheduling appointments with John from Marketing.

As a side note, I would like to take a moment to say that this ball is great just to bounce around. I have accidentally knocked over six computers while dribbling the enormous inflatable exercise ball around the office, but it’s just so fun. My coworkers and I have invented a new game called Bounce where we just like… bounce the ball to each other. As the HR coordinator, I can see firsthand that this ball has improved morale exponentially. If you’re in a leadership position at your company and hopefully not my company, I encourage you to reach out to me with any questions you may have about the ball and its positive effects on the workplace.

Call me crazy but I think it should always be this easy to masturbate at work! I don’t even mind that I’ve completely destroyed my favorite pair of Ann Taylor trousers. Whether you’re looking for some minor fitness gains, or you just want to get off while surrounded by your coworkers, these balls are a gift from God.

Written by Adrienne Teeley

Adrienne Teeley

Adrienne is a comedian living in Chicago. Her writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Splitsider, and The Belladonna. Occasionally, she tweets @acteeley.

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