News Briefs

Holy Torch Song Trilogy! Harvey Fierstein to play Batman

Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Christain Bale, Ben Affleck and now… Harvey Fierstein. Despite the enormous box office returns of ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice,’ it was announced today the gravely voiced actor would replace the latest Batman, Ben Affleck, donning cape and cowl in ‘Batman 7: Out of the Closet.’

Fierstein will also write the script based on his original idea. When asked how he came up with idea, Fierstein related, “this relative said ‘if being gay is so cool, why isn’t there a gay super hero?’ And I’m like ‘what do you call Batman?’ A guy in his late thirties, not married, wears spandex to work… has an older man who takes care of him… won’t be seen without his special belt. We’re talking gaaaaaaay!” Fierstein then added, “Don’t get me started about Robin. Y’all know what Robin’s short for? Robin The Cradle!”

A spokesman reported that billboards will go up soon announcing, ‘Batman, Coming Out Next Spring!’



Written by Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending, Congolese gynecologist, Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog, Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar…