Handy-Dandy Tips On Staying Safe From Shark Attacks

While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission.   Tear chunks of bloody flesh from the shark and rub the goopy materials all over your body. Sharks will then believe that you are also a shark, and will then leave you be.

Before swimming, do whatever you can to contract HIV, Hepatitis-C, and so on. The sharks will be put-off by your cavalier sexual lifestyle and will steer clear.

Go swimming in a full suit of armor.

Stick to public pools.

(ed’s note-  actually, disregard this tip. As it turns out, most public pools are located in rather shady areas of town;  I visited a couple of them last summer, and was carjacked twice and stabbed in the forehead several times by disadvantaged youth. Also, I accidentally swallowed a used Band-Aid while swimming.   Avoid.)

Actually, go ahead and let the sharks take a nibble or two. Maybe let them even grab a limb. You’ll get to be on tv and stuff!   You might even get to meet Kathy Lee Gifford!

Post cruel rumors and hurtful name-calling about the sharks on Facebook and other social media.  The bullying will cause the sharks to kill themselves, freeing up the waters for you and other three-day weekenders.

Coat your body in the salad dressing of your choice. Many sharks are carnivorous, and will not attack if they believe you to be a salad.

Stay out of the fucking water, you dope.


Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….