To: HPSCI Majority Members, select members of Janitorial Staff
From: HPSCI Majority Staff, Senior Members of FAT (Friends Approving Trump)
Subject: Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act Abuses at the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, when we were trying to abuse them first, and it’s not fair that they’re copying us.
Purpose: This memorandum provides Members and update on significant facts relating to the sheer, white-knuckle terror that has gripped our nation since Trump has somehow become leader of the country. Those with a queasy peek behind the curtain can only clasp their hands over their own genitals in an instinctual act of self-preservation, which ironically is similar to President Trump’s signature move, except that he prefers to clasp his hands over the genitals of others, preferably without permission. In other words, exactly the opposite, similar to how he is exactly the opposite of what we need as a leader. This memo will attempt to cast an accusatory shadow over those who would dare to cry out in fear when confronted with harbingers of the Apocalypse. In the opinion of this staff, they should stop being such big babies. “When the devil comes a’ courtin’, horned wood he’ll be sportin'”, as the saying printed on the Illuminati china says. Best to just lay back and prepare for his master’s greased entry.
1) On or around October 21. 2016, HPSCI senior members received complaints that the certain members of the FBI and DOJ had been complicit in planting recording devices on the person of adult film actress Stormy Daniels, in an effort to gain incendiary evidence against President Trump. As it turned out, several boom mikes from film sets had simply accidentally fallen into the vagina of Ms. Daniels again, and so all investigations into the matter were halted (although, it should also be noted, that just to be on the safe side, several HPSCI and GOP members did spend the next several hours investigating the films of Ms. Daniels. Again, better safe than sorry).
2) There is much evidence to suggest that members of the FBI and DOJ conspired to use duplicitous methods in order to find proof of behavior and statements by the president that are treasonous, harmful to America’s relationship with foreign powers, and even dangerous to every citizen of these United States. It was then quickly discovered by the FBI that all of these things could be found in copious amounts by simply watching the evening news, and so these efforts were suspended.
3) Members of the HPSCI felt certain that they had discovered definitive proof of evidence tampering in a secret room beneath the White House, but as it turns out it was simply Trump, using several trash barrels to burn vhs tapes of himself being urinated on while dressed as the Burger King. “Please, don’t tell McDonalds!!”, he pleaded. Sympathetic to those afflicted with the cosplay bug (ie, J Edgar Hoover), the FBI agreed to keep his secret.
4) Efforts by the HPSCI to find evidence that members of the FBI were vehemently against Donald Trump as a leader of the US, and extremely troubled by the ramifications if such an event were to occur, were extremely fruitful. As it turns out, however, such evidence is anticlimactic at best, as the only people who did want Trump to be president are toothless yokels with a lineage comprised entirely of incestuous couplings, and untreated sociopathic lunatics whose crazy ideas are mirrored only by the fellow cult members attracted by their inane rhetoric (oh, and the president). In other words, no shit, Sherlock.