“I want a ball,
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons,
Give it to me, Now!”
~ Veruca Salt
Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House…Episode 6
That’s what President Donald Trump yelled as he squeezed the trigger on a Soviet ROKS–2 flamethrower, sending a torrent of fire like it came from the mouth of a dragon. The flame shoots almost fifty feet across the South Lawn of the White House before torching Michelle Obama’s beloved vegetable garden.
The arugula and the cilantro ignite first, sending flames seven feet into the air. A loud cheer erupts from the crowd on the South Lawn gathered for President Trump’s birthday party.
“No more of that faggy garden!” Trump yells as he pumps the Soviet flamethrower above his head in celebration.
Don Jr. hushes the crowd, then announces into a bullhorn, “Happy birthday, dad. That was just the beginning. We have a great day lined up. First order of business, we are proud to announce that as one of your birthday presents, will be replacing that gorilla Michelle Obama’s stupid garden. Dad, we’re excited to tell you, that in the garden’s place is coming your very own combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut!”
The President’s eyes moisten with tears.
The South Lawn is packed with partygoers. All the senior staff, the Trump family, various Fox News personalities, dozens of Wall Street bankers and hedge fund managers, members of both the New York and New Jersey mafias, and a couple hundred Trump campaign donors.
I, your intrepid White House correspondent, will now give you, faithful reader, a systematic play-by-play of all of President Trump’s birthday party activities. I have infiltrated this shindig undercover. My disguise consists of an Italian suit that is way too big on me and a red tie that reaches past my balls. I fit right in.
- Near the table piled with birthday presents, a dunking booth is set up. The cold water below the rigged seat is filled with piranhas and electric eels. So many all the creatures can barely swim and move. Sitting on the platform above the treacherous water, hoping nobody will hit the bullseye with a softball, is MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell, who had been kidnapped by Corey Lewandowski and a couple goons the night before. O’Donnell was in the men’s room at Joe’s Seafood Prime Steak & Stone Crab on 15th Street in D.C. After leaving the stall, Lewandowski wrapped a handkerchief soaked in chloroform over O’Donnell’s mouth. After the MSNBC anchor passed out, the two goons grabbed his legs, and Lewandowski rushed the body out the back door of the steak house. With a hose steadily dousing his head in chilled water to keep him shivering, O’Donnell is stripped ass-naked as the kids throw softballs at the target of the dunking booth.
- The First Pet, Titties the Monkey, arrived late to the birthday party. Some thought she was meeting with budget committee staff in the Roosevelt Room. The adopted chimpanzee wore her jewel-encrusted purple cloak as she rode a Shetland pony — a gift from the President — around the South Lawn. Many of President Trump’s most sycophantic staffers and hangers-on approach Titties on her pony to kiss her diamond horseshoe pinky ring, another gift from the Commander in Chief.
- There’s a moderate line at the book burning station near the Rose Garden. Paul Manafort can barely contain his glee as he tosses Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States into the bonfire rising from an empty oil drum. Next to the book burning, there’s a crowd gathered for the “Midget Tossing” booth.
- A troupe of clowns roam around the grounds performing pratfalls and gags. Most adults avoid the clowns, understandably creeped out. But one adult follows the clowns around the South Lawn for the whole party. Eric Trump never left the clown’s side for the entire day. At one point Eric was overheard asking what he had to do to join the performers and “how much is clown college?”
- Last week, while on a shady business trip American taxpayers paid for, Don Jr. watched Django Unchained. Per Don Jr.’s request, staffers set up a ten foot by ten foot area for Mandingo fighting. Two African American young men were taken from the White House kitchen and told they are to fight for the amusement of the Trump son. As the men circle each other on the South Lawn, reluctant to throw a punch, 11-year-old Barron Trump joins the ring of onlookers and yells “Dog, I command you to get in there and fight!” Followed by, “Everyone is mine to torment! You’d do well to remember that, you little monster!” One of the men was nearly beaten to death as the Trump boys laughed. He remains in intensive care.
- Ten girls wearing string bikinis and stripper wedge heels wander around the South Lawn with a tray held by a neck strap like a cigarette girl in a 1940s night club. Half the girls have sunken cheeks and rotting teeth, signs of meth addiction. On the trays is a variety of McDonald’s Big Macs, chicken McNuggets, french fries and loose pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken. As they wobble on their 5-inch heels across the grass, the girls hand out fast food treats to President Trump’s guests. Many of the male patrons grabbing a burger put dollar bills into the girl’s bikini bottoms.
- A tattooist has set up near the putting green. Pretty girl with short and spiky purple hair, many piercings, and tattoo sleeves on both arms. As party favors, she is quickly inking partygoers with one of the ten designs that have been approved by the White House. Many receive a tat that reads “The Art of the Deal” in block letters. Mostly on their bicep or ankle. As I casually walk by to observe what’s occurring, Corey Lewandowski was in the chair getting a hammer and sickle tramp stamp finished up.
- In the former White House swimming pool, President Trump has converted it to an alligator pit used as a threat to deter unfriendly reporters and dissenting staff members. To date seven poor souls have been tossed into the pit for various infractions. Each one labeled “accidental” by the Secret Service. Must be really slippery around that part of the White House grounds. President Trump’s favorite gator is an enormous bull that measures nineteen feet, three inches long named Caligula. As another one of the President’s birthday presents, Trump is brought three kennels with two dogs and cat inside. The animals were pets of discovered White House leakers. All abducted by Lewandowski’s crew. Caligula crawls out of the swimming pool pit and waits with an open mouth for Trump to toss him live dogs and a cat. A horrible crunching sound is heard as all three poor beasts were eaten whole by the gator. President Trump laughed maniacally as he performed the sacrifices.
- As I roamed the birthday party, I observed a gentleman that I was sure was a Russian intelligence operative. Probably a spy. His face looked like he would be cast as a Russian thug in a 1980s action movie. Another of my fellow correspondents who was also undercover at the party came up to me and whispered, “That man, at your three o’clock. Gabardine suit. Pretty sure he’s a spy.”
“Agreed, I said,” “And be careful, I think his bowtie is really a camera.”
At the end of the party, Steve Bannon appears holding a leather leash that’s attached to a dog collar around the neck of Stephen Miller who is wearing a Pulp Fiction-style gimp suit. Miller pushes a little cart with President Trump’s birthday cake on it. The cake is a first of it’s kind. Chocolate cake, as beautiful as you can get at Mar-a-Lago, filled with fried chicken. KFC partnered with Williams-Sonoma to make the cake a reality for the President.
Climbing onto a stepladder, Titties the Monkey, ivory conductor’s baton in hand, leads everyone gathered on the South Lawn singing “Happy Birthday” to President Trump.
As the most beautiful pieces of chocolate-fried chicken cake is being eaten, President Trump motions to General James Mattis, currently the United States Secretary of Defense. “Mad Dog! Come’re.”
General Mattis comes to the side of the President. Trump says, “Mad Dog, do me a favor, it’s my birthday, great birthday, the best, did you have some of this cake, tremendous, Mad Dog, give me a list of three places I could bomb the shit out of tonight. Muslim places. The fake media keeps falling for these distractions. Great for ratings.”
Illustration by Mikey B. Martinez III