The real-life whale known as Mocha Dick that destroyed over 20 whaling boats in the early 19th century and partially inspired Melville’s Moby Dick is now known to have also been the inspiration for L. M. Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables.
1700s: Teach your parrot to say naughty things. It cannot be overstated how important this is.
Romance novels in which a doomed love affair ends with both sentient machines unplugging themselves. Bildungsromans about IBM’s Watson. YA novels where androids grow and learn about love and develop a friendship that blooms from the heartbreaking tragedy of cancer because machines can’t get cancer, dummy. “Terminator” reboots, because it’s enough already. Chess competition novels […]
Football Game Gender Reveal: Hire two professional football teams, one wearing pink jerseys and the other wearing blue jerseys, to stage a carefully choreographed gridiron match up. Near the end of the game the score will be tied and your OB/GYN will enter the huddle before the final play to reveal the baby’s gender to the players. […]
Dear New Resident, Greetings and welcome to the neighborhood! We’re so glad that you’ve decided to purchase a home in our little family-friendly suburban oasis. Safety and a cultured aesthetic are our top priorities and to that effect, we’d like to cover a few of the basic policies and regulations here with you and address some of […]
Q: “How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?” A: If the roads are very long and take one year to walk down, then 18 roads. Q: “How many seas must the white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?” A: None. She is a dove and doves […]
To: All LQP Employees From: LQP CEO Richard Smarsky Subject: In Response to the Workplace Satisfaction Survey, We’ll Be Renovating Our Office Space into a Jungle As you all know, we here at LQP industries always strive to maintain the highest standards of employee morale. There’s been a lot of chatter near the water coolers about the stale cubicle […]
Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I would like to make a statement concerning the prosecutor’s request to have my bail revoked. Their allegation that I have constructed a large stone fire pit in my backyard in order to burn documents that may be relevant to the criminal investigation against me is nothing more […]
Party Chairpersons: While assessing your potential candidate, check off these items as appropriate. If candidate possesses three or more of the following traits, do not expose candidate to national news media. If candidate possesses seven or more of the following traits, place candidate inside a diving bell and drop said bell into Lake Superior until […]
Headache Medicine Prescriber Arsonist Parachute Safety Inspector Parachute Test Subject Selector Person Who Pushes Parachute Test Subjects Out of the Plane Creative Arsonist Dog Height Estimator Horse Whisperer Horse Whisperer-whisperer (These people can’t talk to horses, but they can talk to people who can talk to horses. They can deliver bad news to them, especially […]
My fellow GloboPlanet Corporate Headquarters Employees: It has come to my attention that our office newsletter has been secretly compiling evidence for an exposé on me, your kind-hearted, gregarious office co-worker. Apparently, the article states that I am not the pleasant, good-natured individual that I appear to be, but rather something much darker and more […]
“All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest sentence that you know.” “Happiness in liberals is the rarest thing I know.” “Courage is grace under a special prosecutor’s investigation.” “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and lie.” “Always do in office what […]
• Benji (Benji, 1974): Worked as a canvasser for the Reagan campaign in 1980 by pissing on Carter/Mondale yard signs and shitting on people’s lawns. • Rin Tin Tin (The Man from Hell’s River, 1922): After his repatriation to Germany in the early 1930s, became an outspoken advocate in support of rising National Socialist German […]
