Gallagher 2 Mike Huckabee Jeff Dunham’s Terrorist Puppet Trump’s Best Friend, Kim Jong Un A Cassette Tape of Dane Cook’s Greatest Hits from 2003 Milo Yiannopoulos The Mooch A Flaming Copy of the New York Times Ken Bone! The Animated Cast of VeggieTales Kanye West Yakov Smirnoff The Bible
Commentary Tracks Director’s Commentary Rian Johnson sits down to discuss the making of The Last Jedi. A Director’s Rebuttal Rian Johnson sits down with a list of fan complaints and defends his artistic choices for each scene of the film. Laura Dern’s Foley Track With traditional sound effects removed, Laura Dern (Vice Admiral Holdo) provides […]
The Cloverfield FRIENDS! At last, the 90 minute “Friends” reunion you’ve been waiting for! Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Monica get back together for one last round of hijinks when Chandler goes missing. Together they search the Big Apple, enlisting the help of Mayor Oprah Winfrey. After an exhaustive search, it seems the Friends may […]
The following post was found on the Tide Pod Recipes subreddit. It’s hard to say for sure, but I believe I have made an incredible discovery involving Tide Pods. Last night, I was settling in for bed when the hunger struck. We’ve all been there—ready to move on with our day when the craving for […]
Alright pilgrims, looks like it’s come to this: defeated by a lily livered liberal! It is truly a sad day for the range ridin’ heroes of Alabama, but this ain’t the last you’ve heard of Roy Moore. Keepin’ me out of the Senate only means that I get to stay here amongst you beautiful Alabamians. […]
A slightly larger turkey Creamed corn Avocado toast Old Louie DVDs Thanksgiving Pringles Medicinal marijuana Pumpkin Pie Oreos Oil from the Keystone Pipeline Grandpa’s prosthetic leg Retired Macy’s parade balloons Your ex-wife’s engagement ring 30 hot dogs Trump’s personal copy of the pee tape
This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would have enabled Americans to commit crimes without fear of prosecution. Upset over Congress’ inaction, the President signed an executive order, stating laws did not apply as long as the crime was committed on the suspect’s birthday. As we thank the president for the gift […]
“You can do this. We’ve all taken jobs we aren’t proud of,” Sean Spicer thought as he stood behind his beloved podium. “How many people in this room got their start by making soft-core porn that Ted Cruz wouldn’t even waste time viewing?” Only nine months prior Spicer stood behind a similar podium, lying to […]
When a gust of wind blows down your doors, stick out your head, give them the finger and shout, “YOU COASTAL ELITES CAN BLOW YOUR HOT AIR UP NORTH! I’M LISTENING TO INFOWARS!” — Good morning, fellow Americans. You’re listening to Infowars, where our First Amendment right to tell you the truth is guaranteed by […]
Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest show on earth! For decades you’ve written in to tell us that on no uncertain terms should we be using elephants in our live shows: “It’s cruel” “It’s abuse” “It seems odd that you would still need elephants to entertain us in a time […]
In our present day, when it may be best to evacuate Earth, NASA has unveiled a whole new solar system with multiple planets capable of sustaining life. Don’t pick your new home randomly—make that cryogenic freeze and 40 lightyears of travel in deep space worth your while. Use our travel guide to find the destination […]
Nope. Sorry, you blew it. You came here expecting a list of things that would redeem you as a victim of the Arby’s hack, but there is literally nothing more embarrassing than this. You could’ve been caught pants-down in the Ashley Madison hack and returned to your family with more dignity. Your secret shame–consuming heaps […]
It was the start of February when she walked back into my life. Sitting behind my Fisher-Price Private Dick playset, I was interrupted from my math homework as Mrs. Conway made her way into the office. She used to be my baby sitter but had recently gone pro, babysitting the President of the United States. […]
Kramer Vs. Kramer Overrated Meryl won an Academy Award for her role in this film, which was the launching point for her ego. She never thanked me for building the city of New York in which the film was shot. I mean, it’s practically a character in the movie, so I think I deserve a […]
