Entries by Joe Blevins

News Briefs

Freeze Out: Captain Cold Booted From Legion Of Doom After Sexual Harassment Allegations

METROPOLIS — Captain Cold, the supervillain known worldwide for his trademark parka and freeze gun, is no longer a member of the Legion of Doom. The remaining 12 members of the Legion, an intergalactic terrorist group dedicated to the conquest of the universe, voted unanimously to expel Cold during an emergency meeting held late last […]


Bodyslam Your Way To Greatness: The Gianforte Way

Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans. My name is Greg Gianforte. I’m a successful businessman of some sort, and I’m proud to be representing my home state of Montana as its newly-elected (and, I think, only? have someone check on that) congressman. You’ve probably been hearing a lot about me in the news these last few […]


LEAKED! Ernie’s Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street

Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by Steve Harvey in which the bald-pated, mustachioed, sharply-dressed talk show host admonishes his staff not to approach him when he’s in the studio. As shocking as this memo was, it pales in comparison with a document that was forwarded to us by a disgruntled PBS […]



SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY – Finally equipped with a simple voice synthesizer that translates his beeps and bleeps into recognizable human speech, beloved astromech droid R2-D2 has confirmed to the press what many in the Star Wars universe have long whispered: that he has been suffering physical and verbal abuse at the hands of his […]


Can We Guess Your Age As Part Of A Deeply Sinister Population Control Program?

It’s time for us to come clean, readers. Now that the cat is already out of the bag, thanks to that nosy little tattletale Edward “The Snitch” Snowden, there’s no use in denying it anymore: Yes, we at BuzzFeed have been using our many, many quizzes about pop culture and junk food to gather information […]


The University of Chicago’s Letter to Incoming Students

The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media attention when a form letter it sent to incoming freshmen became public. Among other things, the school’s Dean of Students let it be known in this letter that the institution would not honor so-called “safe spaces” or “trigger warnings” that have become the standard […]


The Endings Of Those Novels You Were Supposed To Read Over The Summer

A new school year is fast approaching, and I’m willing to bet you haven’t even started on that assigned reading list you were supposed to complete over the summer, you lazy skidmark of a human being. No, you were too busy being distracted by shiny objects you found on the ground. Either that, or you […]


The Crossword Couple!

NOTE TO READERS: “The Crossword Couple,” Eric and Colleen Belknap, are currently in the process of dissolving their 15-year marriage. By mutual agreement of their lawyers, they are continuing to co-author this syndicated newspaper feature, albeit under duress. Please bear that in mind as you read these clues. Thank you. ACROSS (His Side) 1. “A […]


For All The Nevers In Life: If The State Farm Ad was Self-Aware

[We open on a wild, alcohol-fueled pool party with college age guests. A bikini clad babe is lounging poolside, looking delectable. From a table nearby, a young man in a Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks watches her, hunger in his eyes. His dorky buddies are seated at the table as well. He turns to them […]


Batman and Superman: AN ORAL HISTORY

Superman: Oh, yeah, we were tight. Me and Bats? Are you kidding? In the ’70s, we were unstoppable. We’d film The Super Friends by day and dominate the club scene by night. We were getting pussy by the metric ton. It wasn’t even fair. Of course, the show was done out in L.A. The exterior […]


New Art Gallery Openings

Winter has arrived, why not go out and see an art exhibit or two? They’re all pretty much the same. And surprise surprise, they’re all in Chelsea.   Pierce Ubsnell, “Finns I Have Fisted: An Artist Reflects” (Edgard Pierpoint Gallery, Chelsea. Through February 20.) Judging by his portrait in the catalog, this guy doesn’t look […]


The Summer of My Erotic Marxist Awakening

I suppose we were what you’d call an odd couple, Karl Heinrich Marx and me. After all, I was just a pimple-faced 14-year-old from Kenosha, WI, and he was the German revolutionary and theorist whose Communist Manifesto had forever altered the course of Western Civilization.



The screenplay for the 1946 holiday classic It’s a Wonderful Life went through any number of drafts before reaching its final version. The following, coffee-stained pages were recently discovered among the personal papers of director Frank Capra after they were donated by his estate to Indian Hills Community College in Ottumwa, Iowa. They reveal a […]