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Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot’
It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It’s so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!
Entries by Brian Boone
Best of 2023
Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books
‘Misery’, ‘Pet Semetary’, ‘Christine’, ‘The Running Man’, ‘The Shawshank Redemption’…In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.
Originals
Only ‘90s Kids Will Remember All These Great Catchphrases from the Best Jim Carrey Movies
“Talk about a series of unfortunate events…in my pants!” A Series of Unfortunate Events, “Does this cable smell like farts to you?” The Cable Guy, “I didn’t fart, JK LOL I did!” Liar Liar, and more!
Best of 2022
Spooky High is Closing
For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, six generations of Blobs, all seven Mummy siblings, and a real zombie who was in the “Thriller” video.
Best of 2022
Shocking Truths of the Cereal Mascots
Toucan Sam hasn’t paid his taxes in 30 years. The Raisin Bran sun cyber-bullies his daughter’s classmates. Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia. And more!
Originals
How to Avoid Scams That Target Senior Citizens Like You and Me
Luckily, you’ve got Gus to tell you what you should be vigilant against out there. Here are the most common scams targeting seniors right this second. THE HARRY TRUMAN, BUTTERSCOTCH, ANDREWS SISTERS MARRIAGE SCAM, and more!
Best of 2022
All the New Rules in Major League Baseball
Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.
CritWits
REVIEW: Lava
A pioneer of alternative comedy and star of numerous Generation X cultural touchstones, Janeane Garofalo possessed a voice for the ages. Literally and metaphorically the voice of a generation, her sarcastic, vulnerable, over it, and overwhelmed timbre was so definitive to the ‘90s that a lot of people thought she provided the voice of Daria on Daria. She didn’t, but more than two decades removed from her zeitgeist-defining days, Garofalo finally gives voice to an animated version of her persona in the form of Debora, the protagonist and focus of Lava, a futuristic movie about present-day themes.
Best Of 2021
These Foods Could Be Killing You!
Hummus: According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.
Originals
Funkytown: 2020
As the ‘80s gave way to the ‘90s, Funkytown crumbled into disrepair, a shell of its former self, remembered only during brief periods of renewed interest in ‘70s culture, such as the Pulp Fiction-fueled comeback of John Travolta and the rise of Jamiroquai.
Best of 2020
A Look Back on the Beatles, the Worst Band of the 1990s
“I Wanna Be Your Terminator 2” “With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from Friends)” “You’re Gonna Lose That Macarena Girl” and more!
Culture
Anatomy of a Sketch: Derrick Comedy’s “Thomas Jefferson”
In the mid-2000s, when college sketch group videos were suddenly all over the place, Derrick Comedy easily made the best ones. Derrick was a five-person operation originally out of New York University best known for their 2009 cult classic feature Mystery Team, but they also made “Thomas Jefferson,” which is, fun fact, the greatest comedy sketch of all time. Really.
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Only 2180s Kids Will Remember These Sitcoms!
Punk E-Brewster, Newhart 2182, Benson in Space, and more!
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Important Business Lessons I Learned While Working As A Door-To-Door Pickle Salesman
I figured a free taste of my pickles would encourage sales, so I always had samples at the ready. But I should have had those pickle chunks in little plastic cups on a tray, instead of what I did, which was store them in my pants pockets.
originals
Valentine’s for Your Roommate
Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!
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Only A True ‘80s Kid Can Name The ‘80s Sitcoms That Spawned These Popular Catchphrases
“Punky Brewster, stop eating our cat this instant!” & “Mr. Belvedere was my father’s name. It is also my name. Please call me that.”
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Every Show I’ve Pitched Food Network That They’ve Rejected Because They’re Cowards
Does This Taste Like It’s Gone Bad? Country Cookin’ in Cookin’ Country with Casey Cook, Lick Guy Fieri’s Earring and more.
originals
Every Beatle, Ranked
Cute Beatle: Paul, Smart Beatle: John, Quiet Beatle: George, Funny Beatle: Ringo, Evil Beatle: Azrael and more.
originals
Revised Major League Baseball Team Names Under The Rule Of Its New Commissioner, A Guy Who Loves Happy Days
Oakland Aaaaaaaaaas, Houston Space Fonzies, Texas Cowboy Fonzies and more.
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Every Known Sports Venue “Cam”
Kiss Cam you’ve heard of, but what about the Kiss Cam Cam? Another camera captures the guy operating the Kiss Cam, and he and his Kiss Cam camera have to kiss. It’s fun! And more.
originals
13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions
Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend yours this summer. When class reunions were first held in the 1870s, life expectancy was so low that they did them six months after graduation, before everybody died of lead poisoning and the gout. Before the U.S. Postal Service was a reliable means […]
originals
Regional Variations on S’mores
There’s no snack more quintessentially summery than s’mores. We’ve all got memories of melting some chocolate and marshmallows between a couple of graham crackers, either on a campfire, at the beach, or in the backyard. But s’mores actually vary greatly from one region to the next. San Francisco. Sourdough graham crackers. Southern California. Instead of […]
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The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns
The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!
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11 Things You Never Knew About “The Jetsons”
In 1962, William Hanna and Joseph Barbera pitched a primetime animated sitcom to ABC about a stone-age family called The Rocksons. ABC executives thought it was some kind of joke, because Hanna-Barbera was responsible for the extremely popular series The Flintstones, an animated sitcom about a stone-age family. Hanna and Barbera reworked The Rocksons into […]
Originals
How to Keep Your House Cool This Summer
It’s almost summer, so you know what that means: Things are about to get hot. A little too hot, if you know what we mean. That’s your cue to keep things as cool as possible. Here are some ways guaranteed to keep your house extremely and comfortably cool this summer. It’s about time your car […]
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Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well
AB – Player saw “a bat” SB – Player “saw” a “bat” BK – Player at bat drew a blank and forgot to hit the ball! E – A score was evened that day, my friend RBI – Player signed a petition to reboot ‘Benson’ immediately HR – Player referred to team’s Human Resources department […]
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A Look Back at Vince McMahon’s XPL: The Xtreme Polo League
Nearly 20 years after its much heralded but ultimately failed single-year run, Vince McMahon of the WWE announced that he’s bringing back the much maligned XPL, or Xtreme Polo League. It was pitched as a more aggressive and exciting polo league, and promised to be much more entertaining and chaotic than the boring old polo […]
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The Top 20 Bestselling British Porno Magazines
Keen Jugs Brilliant Fannies Tally Ho, Naked Ladies! Shag Fancy Cockney Teasers Sir “T” Time…and “A” Time Chuffed Tip-Top! ‘Ello Govnah! Queen Welsh ‘Uns Yorkshire Puds The Only Way is Sexxex Ladies With Morals Looser Than That of a Character You’d Find in a Novel By D.H. Lawrence A Pint Full o’ Lady Wanker Starkers? […]
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Hey ‘80s and ‘90s Kids, Do You Remember These Defunct Mall Stores?
Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings In the ‘80s there was nothing cooler and more dangerous than a guy who wore a single earring. (For example: George Michael, and Mallory’s boyfriend on Family Ties.) A lot of those guys bought their single earing at Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings, a jewelry shop for dudes who didn’t want to waste money […]
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Stop Saying “Turkey Day” and Use One of These Other Thanksgiving Nicknames
The Great Cranberry Cotillion Carb Christmas Yelling Day The Easter of Casseroles Fat Thursday Black Thursday (Stove Top Corp. only) Black Friday Eve Dia de Los Muertos for Birds (And Ham) Big Day for Doilies Too Many Leaves! Probably Grandma’s Last One A Day of Feasting and Lively, Healthy Debate Yes, They Still Do The […]
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What Abbreviated Band Names are Actually Short For
10cc. Member Lol Creme would always ask band mate Kevin Godley what channel Comedy Central was on their cable system because he was very forgetful. Godley would get so frustrated that he had to tell Crème the answer (channel 10) that he’d scream, “10! CC!” ABBA. While trying to think of a band name one […]
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All the New Cable Channels
“Comedy” Central. Reruns of all your classic shows that claim to be comedies but which make you unspeakably sad, such as Transparent, BoJack Horseman, and Alice. The Porn Nostalgia Network. This channel gathers up all the softcore porn you remember watching as a 14-year-old back in the ’90s—scrambled. CNN Classic. Memorable news reports from when […]
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Things Everybody is Tired of Hearing a Skeleton Say
“I am made of bones.” “I took an online quiz to see which Bones character I am and I got ‘All of them.’” “Boner alert!” “Ouch, my bones!” “Leave me alone, dogs!” “Is my skull showing?” “I’m not smiling. I just don’t have any skin or flesh to conceal my jaw.” “Does this femur make me look […]
