originals

All of Our Rejected McSweeney’s Submissions

A Hegelian Reading of Ivanka’s Spring Beauty Line


An Open Letter to the Attractive French Couple in Line for the Statue of Liberty


List: Shania Twain Song or Italian Deli Order?


I Don’t Approve of What Woody Allen Did, But I’m Still Going to Quote His Movies, by All Of My White Male Friends


I am a Millennial, and I’m Not Looking For Toilet Paper, I’m Looking for a Clean-Butt Lifestyle


An Open Letter to My Mother About My Vulva


7 Great Fellini Movies to Check Out While You’re Waiting for the Prostitute to Arrive


I Believe in Religious Liberty, Which Is Why I Am Now Buying This Slave, by Thomas Jefferson


All of My Friends Are Getting Engaged and I Still Can’t Find a Type of Toothpaste I Like


I’m in Grad School, and My Life Is Sad!


Foucaultian Social Control and the Night I Thought I Was Going to Lose My Virginity at Senior Prom


Paradise Lost, as Recounted by Van Morrison


List: Items on My Wedding Registry I Will Eventually Accuse My Housekeeper of Stealing


It’s Bedazzled Jeans Season, You Fucking Asshole!


Sentiment and Sustainability: An Ecological Warning in Taylor Swift’s “Mine”


List: Sexual Positions I Try Not to Think About When I Talk to my Boss


The 2018 Farmer’s Almanac, by Giovanni Boccaccio


Sidney Carlton From A Tale of Two Cities Sits in on My Econ 101 Discussion Section


A Close Reading of My Body-Mass Index


Unfinished Business From My Senior Year in Under 800 Words With Some Jokes


List: Missed Connections Ads to My Childhood Crushes


Comments I Write on Student Papers That I Also Say During Sex


List: Ways in Which I Wish the Dick van Dyke Show Were a Documentary About my Actual Life


Nicknames for My Breasts That Are Funnier the More You Know About Antebellum America


I, Too, Like Visiting Different Countries: A Memoir of Online Dating, Chapter One: But Who Is That Other Person in Your Profile Picture?


The Shortcomings of Third-Wave Feminism, by Zeus, God of Thunder


Hi, I’m That Guy Playing His Video at Full Volume on the Train Who You are Projecting Resentment Toward Your Father Onto


Mike Pence Answers Your Questions About Cunnilingus


Let’s Not Turn This Into Some Kind of Witch Hunt, by William Stoughton, Chief Magistrate of the Salem Witch Trials and Reputed Pincher of Derrieres


List: Incorrect Ways to Cite Your Therapist in Your History Dissertation


My Childhood Nannies, Ranked


 

Written by Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton are above-average in height and know the harmony parts to most Simon & Garfunkel songs. Andy is an editor in New York City and Michael is a copyright attorney in Washington, D.C.

Comments

comments