If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’

“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.”

“I need you like I probably need to make a dentist appointment.”

“I’m gonna be all over you like dirty socks are all over my floor.”

“I want you more than I want financial security.”

“You’re so filthy you make these bedsheets I haven’t washed in two months seem clean.”

“I want to ride you like like I ride the bus; sweaty and uncomfortable.”

“This is hotter than any meal I’ve had this week”

“You make me scream louder than I do when someone leaves me a voicemail”

“I want you to go down on me like my checking account balance.”

“Your dick is thicker than the dried oatmeal crusting the bowl in my sink”

“I want to feel your body bearing down on me like this constant sense of dread and insecurity.”

“God, babe, you feel better than that sense of relief I get when someone cancels a party I was only going to go to out of a sense of obligation.”

“You fill me up in a way that a sense of purpose never has.”

“You sex God, you last longer than any fleeting sense of happiness I feel”

“Fuck me like my student loans.”

Written by RK Pendergrass

RK Pendergrass

RK is a writer, storyteller, and humorist in Washington, D.C, who has written for McSweeneys, Redbook, HowStuffWorks, Eater, Dragon Con TV, and more. RK has studied with Second City, Dad’s Garage, and Washington Improv Theatre. Before that she was a child actor and model, but was never famous enough to develop a drug habit or a worthwhile IMDB page. She also hosts and produces the nationally touring Solve for X Variety Show, an event that combines science, comedy, art, and (periodically) puns.